I didn't see December as is creeped up so Quickly

Well i will start by updating on the topic of my last post; I have yet to fall off that edge, but i admit there have been odd days where i thought i had. My Weight, while no where near where i wanted it to be by this point, but i have managed to loose about 10lbs, which might not sound much to some, is a lot for me, and i hope i can loose another 2 or 3, before christmas time.

I have had a very poor few weeks, largely down to my low self esteme and my inability to pick myself up and get on with things, tho i am trying very hard not to blame myself, as that ony helps to kick start the downward spiral i keep climbing onto. So i have made a decision, i am really going to try my very best to attend all lectures as best i can (this has not been even close to happening lately) and i am going to not diet, but eat a steady diet, with smaller portions, and hope i can loose a few lbs....:D (maybe I will have a few hours in the Gym this week too....;-)  <----before my membership runs out)

I have also been getting really excited about Christmas, i am still praying that i will get to spend it with my Aunt and Uncle and my 23 month olf cousin, cos that would just make it an amazing Christmas....and i think they would enjoy it too. I am just ready for this year to end and preferably on a happy note, (or two happy notes as am having a new years party here in reading).

So Bring on Christmas, will worry about 2009 later... ;-)

On the Edge

I have finally reached a point where i have realised how bad my weight is, and i am not in denial. I am obese, and it is making me ugly and ill. And you know what i have had enough, i want to reach 165lbs, which would be a good weight, not great, but a hell of a lot better, and i could love myself again. this means i have 52lbs to loose, which is horrible, and terrifying, and feels un manageable.
there are however 11 weeks left until the christmas hols, and i have faith that i can manage to loose an average of 2lbs a weeks until then, so that would be 22lbs, so i am aiming to under or at least at 200lbs by then... :).
I have joined the gym, and i am going to eat well, all i need now is support and to find my own strength to make this happen. before i fall off that edge

I suck

as of last night i have been feeling like crap, I have HORRIBLE cramps like someone is kicking me in the stomach, i feel faint, and sick, i am all shakey, and emotionally i can't stay still for 2 seconds, but i feel like such a bitch and an idiot. It is only day 3 of lectures, and i am going to have to miss a day, which is stressing me out, and i am missing ANOTHER tutor meeting, which is like the third this term already, she must be so pissed off at me. And the other thing is, everyone looks at you like some fucking cripple when you are ill, and i hate that shit, i feel bad enough as it is, and right now i just want to cry and make it all go away.

Food

Pretty much anyone who knows me, knows how much i hate my weight, or more precisely my body. And when me and Richard knew we would definetly both be going to uni again this year, having passed our exams, and that we would be living in the same house, we thought it would be a good idea to try and support each other to loose weight.
The original plan was just to join the gym (which i will be doing next week, tho i have to admit i am terrified) but i suggested we give atkins a go. And so for the last week or so, i have been trying to do atkins, trouble is, we are at uni.
The two things that students normally have particually in the first few weeks, is Pizza and alcohol. and while i have mostly been avoiding both of them, there have been a few slip ups, hehe.
But as of today, i am going to do it properly, i have lost about 7lbs already, which is a HUGE achievement in my eyes, and if i can keep doing that till i loose about 35 then i am basically there.. ;-)
I know if this works tho, it will be in a large part thanks to two people, who have shown me complete support. Drew and Rich, thank you... :)

Money, Money, Money!!

I swear this is the bane of my life (well probably everyones life). It is 8.30am, and i already know today will be thrown away, finding paperwork, and fighting the system, trying to prove i was supporting myself for 3 years before starting at the university last year. and it is making me want to kick, and scream and cry already.
But you know what i have made a decision, i am just going to hold my head high and wade through all this shit they keep piling in front of me, and just try to forget that the whole darn thing stinks to high heaven of burocratic bull shit.
But you know, i understand they need the proof, it isn't the finding the proof i have a problem with as such, it is that they can't even provide me with an exact list of what they need, so even if i find my proof, it might get to their end, and i can see them now, taking one look at it, and turning around and going "this is the wrong form, you need the OSNA-83722-LJGNAM-7, You needed the OSNA-83722-LJGNAM-8."
*Mutters*

anyways, i know it is all just the way life is, tehehe, Deal with it Pipa, Deal....
And so here i am ranting to let out all my frustration, which ironically, i am currently finding most amusing, and now i can look forward to a fun day of digging through stacks of papers, and a wonderful trip to the job centre....WOOT!

To my Uncle

Who took his own life before we were ready.

How dare you leave us all,
How dare you not hold on,
How dare you give up, give in,
How can you just be gone.

How could you leave your mother,
Your Sister and your brother,
How about your Father,
How will your son recover.

How dare you leave us all,
Not listen to what we say,
Did you know we loved you,
That we wanted you to stay.

So now you've gone and found the end,
I am supposed to just forgive you,
But dispite it all, I have to say,
I'm sorry but i can't do.

Bitch!

I have come to one conclusion today, and in fact over the last week or two, that the reasons i am staying at home boil down to one thing and one thing alone, and that if it was not an issue, then i would leave here and disown my mother today. And that is Money, there is NOTHING else keeping me here, and hasn't been for a long time.
I need the money she gives me to get through Uni, i need the free home and food, and i need the job, that i only have through her.
But i always thought, i that i didn't REALLY hate her, that i was just really angry about somethings, but no, i was wrong, i actually really DO hate her. Don't get me wrong, i love her too in a way, but the hate does make that difficult to remember.
She has no respect for anyone else, EVER!

The only person whos time actually means anything to her, is her own, and i doubt that will ever change, to be honest i have no idea why my Dad has stuck around as long as he has. When she went to australia for 10 days, she was going on and on, about how we would manage without her, and how much Dad would miss her; however, it was the best week at home i have had in living memory, and my Dad, while not the happiest he had ever been, was certainly absolutly fine.
She expects us not only to do 90% of stuff around the house, but all the jobs she "doesn't have time for", and then she expects them to be done, when she would normally do it, in the way she would normally do it. I mean for F**K SAKE!, there is no wonder we never do anything of our own accord, we know it will just be critisised anyways.
She is always telling us how busy she is, but of course she never seems to be doing any work, she will spend 4 hours a day (at least, and that is NOT an exaduration) "sorting emails", which is where she sits reading and replying to emails, now this is not something she HAS to do, this is something she CHOOSES to do, and when she isn't doing that, she is playing Slay or Collapse on her Laptop, and on those occasions when she isn't at her laptop, she resorts to the only two other things she seems to be able to do, which is yell and scream about everything, pissing everyone off, or plays on the Playstation. now i am all for downtime, in fact i am quite an expert in it, but surely that implies that she actually DOES have free time.

Now i thought maybe, just maybe, she might let off a little with her brother recently having died, but no, in fact it is just another excuse to yell at everyone, "I am not coping", "It is all just too much at the moment".
Well I have given my share of sympathy, I have cried the tears of my own, and still do sometimes, but it all just feels like another excuse to dump all her responcability as a mother, onto us, and to make this holiday period more difficult for us that it already is.

As siblings we do all love each other every much, but as will be no surprise to anyone who has siblings, and many of those who don't, we don't deal well with being stuck in the same house together all the time. All things considered we are all getting along pretty well, and granted that is partly cos Max is back at school, and Toby at college, but that has only been the last week or so.

As for me personally, i am fed up, and want out, i miss my friends, who i hardly get to see, cos they are either spread all over the country or busy working, I miss Uni, the being busy, the feeling that i am actually achieving something, rather than drifting like i am at the moment. I want control of my life back, I am so sick of being treated like a badly behaved child all the time, and more than that, sick of being worried about what i am saying all the time, cos i know it will be turned on me in one way or another. And i wish i could see the one person i really really want to see, and who i miss mroe than anything else in the whole world, the one person who actually gets me. You know who you are, I love you, if it wasn't for you, i am not sure i could keep going.

Damaged families

It has been a little while again, and in someways a lot has happened and changed, while in other ways my life is no different than it was a few weeks ago.

I quess the best place to start is with our family holiday, we decided to go to Centerparcs in Sherwood Forest (i did enjoy a few Robin Hood related giggles), which for those of you who don't know, is a holiday village focused around enjoying the forest surroundings and its beautiful lake, and lots of physical activities. (yes that is right i actually did some exercise)

It was amazing, and on the whole the weather was ideal, it was really hot and sunny on the first day but we weren't doing much, so it was nice, and the was generally dry and warm the rest of the week which was brilliant. We played badminton, squash, we learnt to Scuba dive which i had done before, but was still the highlight of the week, cycled a lot, and spent an evening in the amazing spa where you can walk around all the different rooms such as steam baths, and saunas, and fragranced showers, and japansees gardens and water beds....i could go on...

The week sadly ended on a bit of a low point, when my mother recieved a phone call informing us that her brother (my uncle), had died. He lived in australia, and none of us had seen him for about 13 years which made the whole thing much more difficult to get our heads around. My brothers were so young when he went to australia that they literally had no memories of him, where as me and all my family older than me, miss him dearly.

We got on with the activities we had planned that day, including about 4 hours of badminton and squash, as well as swimming, and a lovely meal at an Italian restaurant. later in the day however my mother phoned her mother again, just to talk more, and we found out that my uncle had actually hung himself. This was of course devestating to hear, and to this day i can't really comprehend it.

On getting home we were able to talk to my grandparents and get a clearer picture of what had happened, and what they needed to help deal with the loss of their youngest son. It was quickly obvious that my mother would have to go to australia with them in less that a weeks time, to help sort everything out, and to be at the funeral with them, my other uncle and my mothers other brother, Mich, also decided to join them.

Mich had a little girl who is 1 and a half, who i am besotted with; and having gone to see my grandparents as soon as they heard what happened, they visited us on their way back home, and so in the middle of all this sadness, for one evening, i got to spend it playing with the happiest, funniest little girl in my life, which was just so brilliant. Hopefully i will get to go stay with my cousin and her mother up in london sometime this week, but i left it up to them, so we will see.

They left on Wednesday, and have actually been out there for a few days now, we have spoken to them a few times on skype, but it is clearly difficult to talk about, and as much as we all want to know what is going on it seems we will not get a clear picture until they return at the end of the week.

We had more family come stay yesterday infact, my mothers cousin, and her husband and 3 children, which was lovely, i am so fond of them all; when i was only 7 years old i was a bridesmaid at their wedding, and we have all always got along so well, and again having family around, as specially the children, some how makes everything feel okay again.

Love across the waters

Well have to start by saying if you don't already know what the main thing on my mind is at the moment, it is likely this post will make little or no sense to you, but for those of you who do, I spoke to him for the first time in what has to be at least a year, i mean actually heard his beautiful voice, talked to him; it was like having all the poison and doubts about my life that were drifting around inside me for so long, sucked out of me; and left we with a feeling somewhat like completeness.
I have know for a long time i still wanted to Marry this man and spend my life with him, but to hear him say about him feeling the same about me, well it just makes me feel at ease at the world again, and allows me to trust that the fates will lead me to a place where we can be happily together.
We are still not going to be able to see each other for sometime, probably another year, but i know it will have passed in a blink of an eye when i get there, no matter how it may look to be from this side of time. We have so much we have to talk about, and i have no illusions about how difficult some of our history will be to talk about in person, yet at the same time, i feel like we have been waiting to talk about it for far to long already; but as i told him yesterday, our time will come, and he rightly pointed out we both have our own mistakes to fix, and repair as best we can.
In other news.....;-)
I have been writting a lot more of my story in the last couple of months, and tho i have a plan for about another 4 chapters i seem to have hit some kind of writters block, i am having some trouble getting myself motivated again, tho i am sure, when i do finally sit down to write chapter 7 and have it on the paper, pulling me back into my story, it will flow again.
Also i have currently got a broken foot, it really is a bit of a bugger if you ask me, tho not as bad as you might think, cos it seems to be healing quickly, and i can kind of walk now, tho i must remember not to if possible as it is probably not good for the bones to do it too much.
And finally i am trying to hunt down work, to little or no avail, but i will keep trying, it will be so much easier to manage when my foot has recovered, which should be in a few weeks at the most.

sickness and health

Well i have been ill, as you might have quessed from the title, which is also the excuse i am going to use, for not having updated in such a long time, NOT that anyone reads this much, if at all, as far as i know, so maybe i am sitting talking to myself...Haha.
anyways, i have been thinking a lot about my past, and why i am who i am a guess, and how i got here. so i started writing a post about everything that happened from when i first met Adam, to help me get my head around everything, but it is getting a lot longer than a i planned possibly too long and personal to post here, and maybe something i will only show to a select few, or maybe i will post it, depending, 1, how long it gets, and 2, how it makes me feel in the end.
but anyways, i am all well again now, Physcially if not mentally, though i am working hard on the later, and a good night out in the union with Adam and Andy helped 10 fold with that.
In fact there are several things that were said to me yesterday that stick out, and made my day.
Pete said to me, when i just back to halls having been away for a few days:
"glad to have you back."
Richard said when i was over in his hall with him:
"me, you, Filipe and Anoop, would be great in a house together, is a real shame, Filipe and Anoop already have places to live"
and "you are just one of the guys....no offence"
both of these comments made me smile, cos it just made me realise that our friendship means as much to Richard as it does to me.
And Andy, he said to me when i asked him if he was going to come drinking with me for my birthday:
"of course, would love to, wouldn't miss it"
and Adam defending himself adamently to me, when he said how much hard work Andy can be, like he was worried i would think bad of him, after about a minute, i just laughed, told him i don't think bad of him, and that he worries to much about how other people think of him, which is highly ironic coming from me, as i am the queen of worrying about such things.
I don't know, but having been home for a few days, it was just really nice to have it really hammered home, that the friends I have here are not just "putting up with me" they actually like me, and care about me. Makes life a lot easier to deal with, not to mention a whole lot more worth living.
And as it is my birthday next weekend, a week today infact it is nice to know i will be able to have a really good time, and make up for my crappy 21st...Tehehe

A new and hopefully better year

It has been far far too long since I last updated this, I kinda got pre-occupied end of last year, going home half way through December, and spent the entire three week holiday enjoying time with my family. particually my brothers, who i have really missed while living in Halls. Particually Haddon, who having been living in Scotland, where he is at Uni, so i had not seen him in about 4 months.
We had a really good Christmas, One of the most festive christmas' i have had in a long time, and i have a great time.
We all went to Devon after Christmas day, and met my Uncle Mick and his Gf, and their beautiful little girl, Lola, and we swaped pressies there, it was so lovely watching Lola unwrapping stuff, and she was so Happy nearly all the time, and playing with Everyone.
Had a fairly quiet new years, at my grandparents house, it was nice though, and compared to the horrible new years i had going into 2007, this was much nicer.
We came back to Camberley on new years day, via my Mum's friends house, a lovely Lady by the name of Shane, who it was really nice to see again, though we didn't stay long.
The next week sort of vanished, playing on Consoles, and doing jigsaws and such, And before i knew it i was back here at Uni, on the 6th, and what a first week that was.
Went out with the 1st Floor girls on the Sunday, it was so busy in the club, that we could hardly move let alone dance, it was kinda horrible actually, but was really nice spending time with them again.
Monday was a long day, (full timetable), and that evening i kinda needed sleep to make up for Sunday night, and good job i did, went out with the guys (Adam and Pete, and several of Pete's mates)on Tuesday night which was a bizzare insight into the male mind. Wednesday Andy turned up, in true Andy style, we had no idea where he was, what he was up to, or when and if he was going to turn up, but Wednesday i had this knock on my door, and there was Andy. Turns out he was on holiday with his lovely girlfriend, Kat, and had only got back from Costa Rica that morning. So to celebrate his return, me Adam and Andy decided to go shopping, and then spent the evening in my room, laughing, drinking wine, and watching "Blue Planet", (which is a nature documentary, though a very good one) Adam eventually got too tired and went off to bed, and after another hour or so, of laughing at various weird Sharks, Andy decided he was too Tired, and WAY too drunk, and headed off home too. So thursday rolls round, and there is a Wine Society meeting i had been thinking about going to, and andy is going too, so he talks me into meeting him there, and we actually have a really good time, but it did mean that for the fourth evening that week, i was drinking...hehe, and having had a full timetable on Thursday, i was very glad to have Friday afternoon off.
I had a fairly un-eventful weekend, and of course another long day on monday, but that was followed by Tuesday and Wednesday off, so Tuesday afternoon, me Andy and Adam headed into town and then that evening we all went out, After i had already got Stupidly drunk playing drinking games in halls, To be honest i shouldn't have gone out, and so i came home earlier, and went straight to bed.
Wednesday i had a Counceller appointment, which i am glad i had cos it helped me figure out several things, and how i was going to sort them, the most important of those beingn the fact i had stopped taking my meds, and what to do about it, He didn't seem to worried, and told me to take them again, and go see my GP ASAP, which i am doing on Wednesday next week. and we came up with ideas to help me stick to it, so i am Hopefullly this time will be better.
this does mean i am going through a very anti-social phase at the moment, and i am tired all the time, i am just hoping to feel more with it, in time for my birthday in a few weeks.
And so this weekend, i have made use of the time i have had, to do work for AIMS in fact i have completed a whole journal in one day, which is a huge acheivement.
And so I think that leaves this more or less up to date, and now my life is settling again, I shall endever to keep this more up to date than it has been.