Thought i would update this blog of mine, and i thought purhaps a rant about hating exams, and them ruinning any chance of a social life for a month or so. First up the infamously difficult Electromagnetism exam, which i am dreading more than anything else. I have 3 days to learn a years worth of work, this is going to be very interesting.
At least i have over a week to get ready for Digital Circuits after that, and that one is comparatively easy. And then two weeks till FPGAs and HDLs, which is quite as bad as it sounds, but i have time.
Sunday 25 April 2010
Tuesday 2 February 2010
Could i possibly find something else to fuck up....?
Well I would just like to tell you how SHIT i feel today, and guess what I should feel shit the way my life has been going lately, and thats right you, you guessed it, it is ALL my fault. And i wish that was sarcasm.
Uni - So basically i am a lasy bitch who should get off her arse and go to lectures for once, What is so damned scarey about a frelling lecture, Or is it the work that scares the shit out of me. So yeah, no lectures = failing, so thats just wonderful, I am only doing half what everyone else is doing and i still can't get it right. How frelling retarded am I. And why exactly do i bother, i HATE studying, i mean REALLY REALLY HATE studying. And the new job has just made that even more clear. I was happy while i was working, actually working, job working, it was great, i felt at ease i knew what I was doing, and i felt good. And as soon as i realised yesterday that by comparison the university studying stuff felt like hell on earth by comparison my heart broke, and my brain freaked out.
Cos i am so stuck, having spent THOUSANDS of pounds to be here, and with no where else to go, I can't walk away, I can't get out, There is no escaping. I have passed the point of no return.
And yet it is driving me literally insane.
Thats not to even start on my weight. I am SEVENTEEN STONE!!!! (thats 238 lbs) And i hate every pound of that. I have finally reached a point where the idea of eating makes me feel sick, i am so discusted and revolted by myself, that i am simply in awe of those who manage to like me, let alone love me.
So Yes i guess i am letting myself fall into a pit of self-destructive Loathing, but to be honest, i see no way out right now.
I just hope that tomorrow I feel better, that this is just an extreme view stuck in my mind, but i can't help but worry that days to come will be no different from this.
I guess that at least i have work to look forward to now.
Uni - So basically i am a lasy bitch who should get off her arse and go to lectures for once, What is so damned scarey about a frelling lecture, Or is it the work that scares the shit out of me. So yeah, no lectures = failing, so thats just wonderful, I am only doing half what everyone else is doing and i still can't get it right. How frelling retarded am I. And why exactly do i bother, i HATE studying, i mean REALLY REALLY HATE studying. And the new job has just made that even more clear. I was happy while i was working, actually working, job working, it was great, i felt at ease i knew what I was doing, and i felt good. And as soon as i realised yesterday that by comparison the university studying stuff felt like hell on earth by comparison my heart broke, and my brain freaked out.
Cos i am so stuck, having spent THOUSANDS of pounds to be here, and with no where else to go, I can't walk away, I can't get out, There is no escaping. I have passed the point of no return.
And yet it is driving me literally insane.
Thats not to even start on my weight. I am SEVENTEEN STONE!!!! (thats 238 lbs) And i hate every pound of that. I have finally reached a point where the idea of eating makes me feel sick, i am so discusted and revolted by myself, that i am simply in awe of those who manage to like me, let alone love me.
So Yes i guess i am letting myself fall into a pit of self-destructive Loathing, but to be honest, i see no way out right now.
I just hope that tomorrow I feel better, that this is just an extreme view stuck in my mind, but i can't help but worry that days to come will be no different from this.
I guess that at least i have work to look forward to now.
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