" Another way of looking at it - you have gorged yourself with a range of experiences in the last year or so (some good, some bad) and you effectively have a large stack sat in your mental in-tray waiting to be assimilated properly into your inner self. You could regard some of your "issues" as being akin to mental indigestion..
If you keep your brain ticking over getting your head around the maths, physics and electronics, you will find in a few months time that some of that backlog will have been integrated back into you and won't feel so raw
It's a slightly wierd way of thinking about what is going on - in effect you keep your mind and body busy but not stressed on useful stuff, and the other stuff will slowly slot into its natural place, sort of as a side-effect, sort-of by accident."
My father said this to me today, and it just seemed to make sense....Was one of the greatest things people have said to me in a long time.
Tuesday 30 October 2007
uni, migranes, panic attacks and life
Well lets start with the good things, cos on the whole life is great....I am happy, i have several good friends on my corridor, and i feel strangely free at the moment, like for the first time...Well ever...my life REALLY is my own, and i am not going to do anything i don't want to, and more than that, i am not going to feel bad about it. And on top of all that, I am top of my class in maths, and not far off in either Electronics of Physics, and i am enjoying the work, I actually feel like not only I can complete this uni course, i WANT to finish this Uni course.
I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.
Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.
And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.
Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.
I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.
Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.
And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.
Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.
Thursday 11 October 2007
Into Halls
Has been a few days at least since i last posted an update, and well i have been really busy and lots has happened.
Started uni lectures, it is really fun on the whole actually, tho we haven't exactly done lots yet, more introductions, and working through some basics. Maths is increably easy, which is really nice, it is more reminders for me than anything else. so is still usful to be going through it...:)
Physics, I remember more than i thought i would and though i am having some difficultly remembering what units are used to Express what, I am making quick Progress, and wonderfully i feel like i am finally learning something.
Electronics, bits of this i am finding a little scarey, but nothing too bad, considering i have never done it before, having really got the hang of the Maths, and doing okay in the Physics is definetly making this Easier.
Haven't really met a lot of people yet, but i really haven't been feeling up to it as i have Developed a really horrible cold, but have spoken to quite a few people on my course, I often Sit with Siobhan and Matt, And i speak to Jill, Keri (sp?...No idea how he spells his name..Hehe) and the other Matt fairly Regularly, and it is easier now we have spoken a few times.
I have never been very good with the Social side of things, but i moved into halls last night, and well i am going to have to make a real effort to Speak to the other girls on my corridor, I think once i have finished sorting my room, I will leave the door to the corridor open more, And i will make a name tag to go on my Door, so people know what to call me at least...hehe.
But generally things are pretty good, I am about to travel over to Woking to see my pobation officer, so i need to ask if i can transfer that to Reading now i am living here...Hehe
Need to get me a Rug for this Floor tho...:s it is HORRIBLE...haha
Started uni lectures, it is really fun on the whole actually, tho we haven't exactly done lots yet, more introductions, and working through some basics. Maths is increably easy, which is really nice, it is more reminders for me than anything else. so is still usful to be going through it...:)
Physics, I remember more than i thought i would and though i am having some difficultly remembering what units are used to Express what, I am making quick Progress, and wonderfully i feel like i am finally learning something.
Electronics, bits of this i am finding a little scarey, but nothing too bad, considering i have never done it before, having really got the hang of the Maths, and doing okay in the Physics is definetly making this Easier.
Haven't really met a lot of people yet, but i really haven't been feeling up to it as i have Developed a really horrible cold, but have spoken to quite a few people on my course, I often Sit with Siobhan and Matt, And i speak to Jill, Keri (sp?...No idea how he spells his name..Hehe) and the other Matt fairly Regularly, and it is easier now we have spoken a few times.
I have never been very good with the Social side of things, but i moved into halls last night, and well i am going to have to make a real effort to Speak to the other girls on my corridor, I think once i have finished sorting my room, I will leave the door to the corridor open more, And i will make a name tag to go on my Door, so people know what to call me at least...hehe.
But generally things are pretty good, I am about to travel over to Woking to see my pobation officer, so i need to ask if i can transfer that to Reading now i am living here...Hehe
Need to get me a Rug for this Floor tho...:s it is HORRIBLE...haha
Sunday 7 October 2007
Devon
We were planning to leave to head down to devon at about 6pm on friday night, but my family, well being my family i guess, we didn't actually leave till more like 9/10pm, though i can't be exactly sure as i got bored of looking at the clock by then. Anyways, we arrived at my grandparents house at about midnight, just in time for max and Mum to run in and wish my grandmother Happy Birthday; we had a bottle of bubbly and some chocolates to celebrate, and went off to bed, I was really tired so didn't get up till like noon , and spent the afternoon not doing much, we went over to the farm where all our organic veg and fruit is grown, and spent like an hour walking around there which was really nice, not least cos it was beautiful weather, perfect for walking.
We also bought some more memory for gran and grandads computer, which means it is actually usable at the moment, which it hasn't been for a long time. Though it turns out there printer is actuallyu broken, but we have a spare one so no worries really...Hehehe... mind you, i might see if i can get my Dad to let me have the spare one for in Halls...Hehe, might just be easier to use the university computers to print stuff out...
Had a nice family dinner, which made a nice change, we never seem to sit down and eat together, though as always gran and mum ended up getting through a fair bit of wine and were very giggly, which was highly amusing...Hehe.
Spent the evening doing word puzzles and drinking wine which was fun, i never seem to get to do that any more, and i will probably get to do it less and less as i start uni tomorrow...
So today we went to the local Pub for lunch, which was actually really nice, as it has been much nicer since it has been under new managment, not to mention the food was of a very high standard... :)
And now i am hiding in the study avoiding helping packing the car by listening to my MP3 player, so i can't hear when people are calling me....haha, and by writting this...hehe
I knew there was a reason i started writting a blog....;-)
Also my Dad has agreed to buy me the new CPU i need to repair the Desktop Ian gave me, so i may have 2 computers as off just over a weeks time, assuming i will have time to do this with all the uni work i am going to have, And talking about Uni i need to find me a pencil case and pens and such things so that i actually have something thing to do work with cos at the moment, i have just a school bag a book for maths and a calculator...Hehe, I think i might just get some pads of paper and some folders to put Physics and Enginnering stuff in. but i will figure that all out this evening i guess...Hehe...
Anyways, i better go actually give my Stuff to my Dad to put in the car, and let my grandad have his computer back. So until i have more to say...;-)
We also bought some more memory for gran and grandads computer, which means it is actually usable at the moment, which it hasn't been for a long time. Though it turns out there printer is actuallyu broken, but we have a spare one so no worries really...Hehehe... mind you, i might see if i can get my Dad to let me have the spare one for in Halls...Hehe, might just be easier to use the university computers to print stuff out...
Had a nice family dinner, which made a nice change, we never seem to sit down and eat together, though as always gran and mum ended up getting through a fair bit of wine and were very giggly, which was highly amusing...Hehe.
Spent the evening doing word puzzles and drinking wine which was fun, i never seem to get to do that any more, and i will probably get to do it less and less as i start uni tomorrow...
So today we went to the local Pub for lunch, which was actually really nice, as it has been much nicer since it has been under new managment, not to mention the food was of a very high standard... :)
And now i am hiding in the study avoiding helping packing the car by listening to my MP3 player, so i can't hear when people are calling me....haha, and by writting this...hehe
I knew there was a reason i started writting a blog....;-)
Also my Dad has agreed to buy me the new CPU i need to repair the Desktop Ian gave me, so i may have 2 computers as off just over a weeks time, assuming i will have time to do this with all the uni work i am going to have, And talking about Uni i need to find me a pencil case and pens and such things so that i actually have something thing to do work with cos at the moment, i have just a school bag a book for maths and a calculator...Hehe, I think i might just get some pads of paper and some folders to put Physics and Enginnering stuff in. but i will figure that all out this evening i guess...Hehe...
Anyways, i better go actually give my Stuff to my Dad to put in the car, and let my grandad have his computer back. So until i have more to say...;-)
Friday 5 October 2007
"Mature" Students
Went into Uni today, for a mature Students study workshop, I have to admit i went more for a chance to meet other mature students (21 or older) but i actually had a really good time, we were just having a real laugh and a good time, and everyone was really excited about the courses they are doing, which is so re-freshing. I mean lots of them were middle aged ladies, a few guys in there 30s and about 3 of us in our 20s.
Really looking forward to lectures next week now, and meeting new people...hehehe
And to think i nearly missed today, Was up so late last night, i slept till about noon today...hehehe, so got to the uni at like 1:55pm, But lots of people were much later than me, so it hardly mattered...
going to Devon tonight to surprise my grandmother for her birthday today...hehehe, She probably thinks we have forgotten her...Haha....so will probably be leaving in a few hours....
and i will be back tomorrow night probably
hehe
Really looking forward to lectures next week now, and meeting new people...hehehe
And to think i nearly missed today, Was up so late last night, i slept till about noon today...hehehe, so got to the uni at like 1:55pm, But lots of people were much later than me, so it hardly mattered...
going to Devon tonight to surprise my grandmother for her birthday today...hehehe, She probably thinks we have forgotten her...Haha....so will probably be leaving in a few hours....
and i will be back tomorrow night probably
hehe
Wednesday 3 October 2007
Feel the Fear and do it anyways
It has been a very strange few days, I went into Uni yesterday, got my timetable, and diary and such things, and today i have been doing some "homework" making sure i am ready for the course next week. But it does kinda feel like school at the moment, Hehe, I am sure i won't be thinking that once lectures get going...hehe.
And me and Drew spent Yesterday playing Scrabble, Which was really nice, we haven't done that in long time, and i hope we will be able to maybe play again this evening if he isn't too busy at work. hehe.
but life is okay, it finally feels like it is going somewhere, And i feel free, I mean truely Free like i could do anything i like, And it wouldn't matter to anyone but me. And more than that, i feel like the people i treasure who are all around me, would support me in what ever it is that i want to do. And it is a long time since i have truely felt that.
I have handed in my forms to try and get a room in Halls, So hopefully it will only be a few weeks before i am moving again. hehe, I am getting kind of used to it now, I moved all my stuff into Haddons room today, as he isn't using it at the moment, and i don't really have a room at all...hehehe...
but i don't feel Scared....Well not very anyways, And you know what.....I am going to do it anyways....;-)
And me and Drew spent Yesterday playing Scrabble, Which was really nice, we haven't done that in long time, and i hope we will be able to maybe play again this evening if he isn't too busy at work. hehe.
but life is okay, it finally feels like it is going somewhere, And i feel free, I mean truely Free like i could do anything i like, And it wouldn't matter to anyone but me. And more than that, i feel like the people i treasure who are all around me, would support me in what ever it is that i want to do. And it is a long time since i have truely felt that.
I have handed in my forms to try and get a room in Halls, So hopefully it will only be a few weeks before i am moving again. hehe, I am getting kind of used to it now, I moved all my stuff into Haddons room today, as he isn't using it at the moment, and i don't really have a room at all...hehehe...
but i don't feel Scared....Well not very anyways, And you know what.....I am going to do it anyways....;-)
Emmit Remus
The California animal is a bear
Angeleno but the devil may care
Summer time to talk and swear
Later maybe we could share some air
I'll take you to the movies there
We could walk through Leicester Square
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Hesitate but don't refuse
The choice was yours but you said choose
The look she used was green and sharp
Stabbed that boy all in his heart
Come what may the cosmos will
Take me up and down on Primrose Hill
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
It's all right now
Call me now use the satellite
It's all right
It's all right
Down and out and it'll sound all right
It's all right now
It's all right
The California flower is poppy child
Felony sends me all the gold in your smile
Drift away from anyone you can
Nothing ever goes according to plan
Though I know that every river bends
Time to say hello to snow on the Thames
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Angeleno but the devil may care
Summer time to talk and swear
Later maybe we could share some air
I'll take you to the movies there
We could walk through Leicester Square
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Hesitate but don't refuse
The choice was yours but you said choose
The look she used was green and sharp
Stabbed that boy all in his heart
Come what may the cosmos will
Take me up and down on Primrose Hill
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
It's all right now
Call me now use the satellite
It's all right
It's all right
Down and out and it'll sound all right
It's all right now
It's all right
The California flower is poppy child
Felony sends me all the gold in your smile
Drift away from anyone you can
Nothing ever goes according to plan
Though I know that every river bends
Time to say hello to snow on the Thames
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man
London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
Monday 1 October 2007
Be happy, be single
This is my new aim, And i am not very good at it from past experience, But after reading Drew's blog entry today i realised, i am so focused on other people, And being happy with them, i have no idea how to be Happy on my own, So I have decided i am going to learn to do that.
I started this by Breaking up with Ben, I said that i still wanted us to be friends, and we could watch movies together, and go for Drinks and what not, and he took it better than i thought but I am not sure it sunk in, and i think he was putting on a brave face.
But i stupidly didn't tell Drew i was going out, So for the 2 hours i was out he was thinking i was ignoring him, and now i wish there was something i could say or do to make it up to him, but i just can't think of anything. And i just keep saying how sorry i am, Which is probably making everything worse, and now i just want to wind back time and fix it.
I started this by Breaking up with Ben, I said that i still wanted us to be friends, and we could watch movies together, and go for Drinks and what not, and he took it better than i thought but I am not sure it sunk in, and i think he was putting on a brave face.
But i stupidly didn't tell Drew i was going out, So for the 2 hours i was out he was thinking i was ignoring him, and now i wish there was something i could say or do to make it up to him, but i just can't think of anything. And i just keep saying how sorry i am, Which is probably making everything worse, and now i just want to wind back time and fix it.
Phone calls and F**ked up claims
So i seem to be spending all day on the Phone at the moment, which is REALLY starting to Piss me off, something rotten. I have been trying to get hold of my Probation officer for about 4 hours now, to rearrange my appointment tomorrow, as it clashes with a meeting with my Tutor at University.
Have left like 3 messages, but he STILL hasn't got back to me.
And as if that wasn't winding me up enough as it is, I got a phone call from the Jobcentre, they are FINALLY going to process my Incapacity claim which was from Back at the Beginning of August...So i am all cross about that having taken this long, only to find out i have been denied a months worth of JSA backdated claim which i wouldn't have even had to backdated if they hadn't messed up my paperwork in the first place. So i have been phoning one place after another trying to get this sorted out, and i have just been given another number, so we are yet to see what will happen when i call this one, but i am betting i will get "oh you need to call ......., they will be able to help you"....*rolls eyes*.....
This is getting very Tedious.....
*edit*, Just managed to get through on the Phones, BUT THEIR COMPUTERS ARE ALL DOWN!!!, so they will call me back tomorrow. Oh to have a benifits system that works....Hehe....As if....
Have left like 3 messages, but he STILL hasn't got back to me.
And as if that wasn't winding me up enough as it is, I got a phone call from the Jobcentre, they are FINALLY going to process my Incapacity claim which was from Back at the Beginning of August...So i am all cross about that having taken this long, only to find out i have been denied a months worth of JSA backdated claim which i wouldn't have even had to backdated if they hadn't messed up my paperwork in the first place. So i have been phoning one place after another trying to get this sorted out, and i have just been given another number, so we are yet to see what will happen when i call this one, but i am betting i will get "oh you need to call ......., they will be able to help you"....*rolls eyes*.....
This is getting very Tedious.....
*edit*, Just managed to get through on the Phones, BUT THEIR COMPUTERS ARE ALL DOWN!!!, so they will call me back tomorrow. Oh to have a benifits system that works....Hehe....As if....
Cyclothymia
I finally have a diagnosis of what is wrong with me, it is Cyclothymia. Never heard of it...? Well nor had I, but not surprising considering it isn't usual diagnosed nor very well known, and is frequently mis diagnosed as Bi-polar disorder.
It is a mild version of Bi-polar Disorder, so my original diagnosis wasn't too far out, but it is what causes my episodes of Depression and Elation, but as my episodes aren't bad enough to stop me functioning it is Cyclothymia, not bi-polar.
Sadly there isn't really much known about it, and no known treatment, so all i can do, is learn to know myself, stick with the anti-depressants (to try and minimalise the depressive episodes), create coping mechanisms, and teach those closest to me about my condition so they can support me, and spot when i am falling into an episode.
So we will see, i can't see this diagnosis actually changing my life in anyway at all, but it is nice to have an understanding, it has been 8 years in the making.
So heres to being a nut case *raises glass*..... ;-)
It is a mild version of Bi-polar Disorder, so my original diagnosis wasn't too far out, but it is what causes my episodes of Depression and Elation, but as my episodes aren't bad enough to stop me functioning it is Cyclothymia, not bi-polar.
Sadly there isn't really much known about it, and no known treatment, so all i can do, is learn to know myself, stick with the anti-depressants (to try and minimalise the depressive episodes), create coping mechanisms, and teach those closest to me about my condition so they can support me, and spot when i am falling into an episode.
So we will see, i can't see this diagnosis actually changing my life in anyway at all, but it is nice to have an understanding, it has been 8 years in the making.
So heres to being a nut case *raises glass*..... ;-)
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