I have come to one conclusion today, and in fact over the last week or two, that the reasons i am staying at home boil down to one thing and one thing alone, and that if it was not an issue, then i would leave here and disown my mother today. And that is Money, there is NOTHING else keeping me here, and hasn't been for a long time.
I need the money she gives me to get through Uni, i need the free home and food, and i need the job, that i only have through her.
But i always thought, i that i didn't REALLY hate her, that i was just really angry about somethings, but no, i was wrong, i actually really DO hate her. Don't get me wrong, i love her too in a way, but the hate does make that difficult to remember.
She has no respect for anyone else, EVER!
The only person whos time actually means anything to her, is her own, and i doubt that will ever change, to be honest i have no idea why my Dad has stuck around as long as he has. When she went to australia for 10 days, she was going on and on, about how we would manage without her, and how much Dad would miss her; however, it was the best week at home i have had in living memory, and my Dad, while not the happiest he had ever been, was certainly absolutly fine.
She expects us not only to do 90% of stuff around the house, but all the jobs she "doesn't have time for", and then she expects them to be done, when she would normally do it, in the way she would normally do it. I mean for F**K SAKE!, there is no wonder we never do anything of our own accord, we know it will just be critisised anyways.
She is always telling us how busy she is, but of course she never seems to be doing any work, she will spend 4 hours a day (at least, and that is NOT an exaduration) "sorting emails", which is where she sits reading and replying to emails, now this is not something she HAS to do, this is something she CHOOSES to do, and when she isn't doing that, she is playing Slay or Collapse on her Laptop, and on those occasions when she isn't at her laptop, she resorts to the only two other things she seems to be able to do, which is yell and scream about everything, pissing everyone off, or plays on the Playstation. now i am all for downtime, in fact i am quite an expert in it, but surely that implies that she actually DOES have free time.
Now i thought maybe, just maybe, she might let off a little with her brother recently having died, but no, in fact it is just another excuse to yell at everyone, "I am not coping", "It is all just too much at the moment".
Well I have given my share of sympathy, I have cried the tears of my own, and still do sometimes, but it all just feels like another excuse to dump all her responcability as a mother, onto us, and to make this holiday period more difficult for us that it already is.
As siblings we do all love each other every much, but as will be no surprise to anyone who has siblings, and many of those who don't, we don't deal well with being stuck in the same house together all the time. All things considered we are all getting along pretty well, and granted that is partly cos Max is back at school, and Toby at college, but that has only been the last week or so.
As for me personally, i am fed up, and want out, i miss my friends, who i hardly get to see, cos they are either spread all over the country or busy working, I miss Uni, the being busy, the feeling that i am actually achieving something, rather than drifting like i am at the moment. I want control of my life back, I am so sick of being treated like a badly behaved child all the time, and more than that, sick of being worried about what i am saying all the time, cos i know it will be turned on me in one way or another. And i wish i could see the one person i really really want to see, and who i miss mroe than anything else in the whole world, the one person who actually gets me. You know who you are, I love you, if it wasn't for you, i am not sure i could keep going.
