uni, migranes, panic attacks and life

Well lets start with the good things, cos on the whole life is great....I am happy, i have several good friends on my corridor, and i feel strangely free at the moment, like for the first time...Well ever...my life REALLY is my own, and i am not going to do anything i don't want to, and more than that, i am not going to feel bad about it. And on top of all that, I am top of my class in maths, and not far off in either Electronics of Physics, and i am enjoying the work, I actually feel like not only I can complete this uni course, i WANT to finish this Uni course.

I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.

Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.

And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.

Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.