It has been far far too long since I last updated this, I kinda got pre-occupied end of last year, going home half way through December, and spent the entire three week holiday enjoying time with my family. particually my brothers, who i have really missed while living in Halls. Particually Haddon, who having been living in Scotland, where he is at Uni, so i had not seen him in about 4 months.
We had a really good Christmas, One of the most festive christmas' i have had in a long time, and i have a great time.
We all went to Devon after Christmas day, and met my Uncle Mick and his Gf, and their beautiful little girl, Lola, and we swaped pressies there, it was so lovely watching Lola unwrapping stuff, and she was so Happy nearly all the time, and playing with Everyone.
Had a fairly quiet new years, at my grandparents house, it was nice though, and compared to the horrible new years i had going into 2007, this was much nicer.
We came back to Camberley on new years day, via my Mum's friends house, a lovely Lady by the name of Shane, who it was really nice to see again, though we didn't stay long.
The next week sort of vanished, playing on Consoles, and doing jigsaws and such, And before i knew it i was back here at Uni, on the 6th, and what a first week that was.
Went out with the 1st Floor girls on the Sunday, it was so busy in the club, that we could hardly move let alone dance, it was kinda horrible actually, but was really nice spending time with them again.
Monday was a long day, (full timetable), and that evening i kinda needed sleep to make up for Sunday night, and good job i did, went out with the guys (Adam and Pete, and several of Pete's mates)on Tuesday night which was a bizzare insight into the male mind. Wednesday Andy turned up, in true Andy style, we had no idea where he was, what he was up to, or when and if he was going to turn up, but Wednesday i had this knock on my door, and there was Andy. Turns out he was on holiday with his lovely girlfriend, Kat, and had only got back from Costa Rica that morning. So to celebrate his return, me Adam and Andy decided to go shopping, and then spent the evening in my room, laughing, drinking wine, and watching "Blue Planet", (which is a nature documentary, though a very good one) Adam eventually got too tired and went off to bed, and after another hour or so, of laughing at various weird Sharks, Andy decided he was too Tired, and WAY too drunk, and headed off home too. So thursday rolls round, and there is a Wine Society meeting i had been thinking about going to, and andy is going too, so he talks me into meeting him there, and we actually have a really good time, but it did mean that for the fourth evening that week, i was drinking...hehe, and having had a full timetable on Thursday, i was very glad to have Friday afternoon off.
I had a fairly un-eventful weekend, and of course another long day on monday, but that was followed by Tuesday and Wednesday off, so Tuesday afternoon, me Andy and Adam headed into town and then that evening we all went out, After i had already got Stupidly drunk playing drinking games in halls, To be honest i shouldn't have gone out, and so i came home earlier, and went straight to bed.
Wednesday i had a Counceller appointment, which i am glad i had cos it helped me figure out several things, and how i was going to sort them, the most important of those beingn the fact i had stopped taking my meds, and what to do about it, He didn't seem to worried, and told me to take them again, and go see my GP ASAP, which i am doing on Wednesday next week. and we came up with ideas to help me stick to it, so i am Hopefullly this time will be better.
this does mean i am going through a very anti-social phase at the moment, and i am tired all the time, i am just hoping to feel more with it, in time for my birthday in a few weeks.
And so this weekend, i have made use of the time i have had, to do work for AIMS in fact i have completed a whole journal in one day, which is a huge acheivement.
And so I think that leaves this more or less up to date, and now my life is settling again, I shall endever to keep this more up to date than it has been.
Sunday, 20 January 2008
Friday, 30 November 2007
Happy Days
Well i have to say the last week or so have been on the whole some of the better weeks i have had in a long time, that is if you disregard the horrible migranes i have been having, and then the meds i have been taking to try and cure them, have been making me REALLY tired, i slept through almost all my lectures on Thursday, luckily my lecturer is an understanding person...:S..
I am going to start a fresh next week though, making sure i get up for breakfast at least 3 times in the week, Preferably 5, but considering i have managed about 1 last week, 3 would be a step in the right direction...Tehehe.
I had Toby come stay with me in Halls last weekend, and i was really pleased how well he got on with all my friends, or all the ones he met anyways, which was actually a large number of them, He seems to be under the impression that i am only capable of making friends with Strange people, and I think it is more i am not very good at staying friends with Boring people...Hehe.
Had a really good thanksgiving, even though technically i don't celebrate it, Me, Adam and Chris, had dinner and drinks with Andy and his girlfriend Kat, who cooked a wonderful meal, and then me, Adam and Chris ventured into town, to the club Po Na Na's, which i hadn't been to before, and was a pleasant surprise, And not too busy on the whole, might have been partly to do with the late hour at which we arrived there, but either way was a nice evening.
While Toby was visiting several things happened, i will start with the bad news first, my 360 died, and i mean really Dead died, the dreaded 3 red lights, that all 360 owners live in fear of seeing...Hehe, I was actually nearly crying, I don't know what i would do with out it, I tried leaving it for a day, but no joy, i even tried putting it different ways up, but no, In the end, i decided there was only one thing for it. I still have my reciept so i decided to take a chance on Game giving me an exchangem given that the date on the reciept is so Faded you can't tell when i bought it, And can you believe my luck, they fell for it, Hook line and Sinker, and gave me an exchange for a brand spanking new one, I was having to try desperately not to laugh at them in the shop, and i got out of the shop and practically danced over to Filipe to tell him...Hehe. It has been working great, i am going to download all my arcade games again, and then i am going to get any new ones i fancy, and then update it again, Worse case senario i am back where i was before, with a few extra games a quieter disk drive, a 360 with more heat sinks and an HDMI port on the back, Is a win/win situation.
We also had a really good night on saturday night, we had a "floor party" which means quite simply we had a party on our floor of halls, just silly drinking games, everything from "flip cup" to "I have never...", the later being the most enlightening of games, and the little devils in the group, as well as the angels showed their true colours, but was a great deal of fun. and much more up my street than trecking into town everytime we want a party, though not that i don't enjoy doing that now and then.
But generally i am being more sociable than i have been in quite sometime, and i am genuinally enjoying it too, which is a little bit of a first for me, and while i have always enjoyed company i have not been one for the night life and the like, but now i feel so much more comforable in my own skin and with who i am, that i don't feel like i need to hide away, and i am ready to let go of some of the inhibions, that have held me back for so long, and i feel that if i can be really happy like this, then the world has know limits to how happy i can be.
I am going to start a fresh next week though, making sure i get up for breakfast at least 3 times in the week, Preferably 5, but considering i have managed about 1 last week, 3 would be a step in the right direction...Tehehe.
I had Toby come stay with me in Halls last weekend, and i was really pleased how well he got on with all my friends, or all the ones he met anyways, which was actually a large number of them, He seems to be under the impression that i am only capable of making friends with Strange people, and I think it is more i am not very good at staying friends with Boring people...Hehe.
Had a really good thanksgiving, even though technically i don't celebrate it, Me, Adam and Chris, had dinner and drinks with Andy and his girlfriend Kat, who cooked a wonderful meal, and then me, Adam and Chris ventured into town, to the club Po Na Na's, which i hadn't been to before, and was a pleasant surprise, And not too busy on the whole, might have been partly to do with the late hour at which we arrived there, but either way was a nice evening.
While Toby was visiting several things happened, i will start with the bad news first, my 360 died, and i mean really Dead died, the dreaded 3 red lights, that all 360 owners live in fear of seeing...Hehe, I was actually nearly crying, I don't know what i would do with out it, I tried leaving it for a day, but no joy, i even tried putting it different ways up, but no, In the end, i decided there was only one thing for it. I still have my reciept so i decided to take a chance on Game giving me an exchangem given that the date on the reciept is so Faded you can't tell when i bought it, And can you believe my luck, they fell for it, Hook line and Sinker, and gave me an exchange for a brand spanking new one, I was having to try desperately not to laugh at them in the shop, and i got out of the shop and practically danced over to Filipe to tell him...Hehe. It has been working great, i am going to download all my arcade games again, and then i am going to get any new ones i fancy, and then update it again, Worse case senario i am back where i was before, with a few extra games a quieter disk drive, a 360 with more heat sinks and an HDMI port on the back, Is a win/win situation.
We also had a really good night on saturday night, we had a "floor party" which means quite simply we had a party on our floor of halls, just silly drinking games, everything from "flip cup" to "I have never...", the later being the most enlightening of games, and the little devils in the group, as well as the angels showed their true colours, but was a great deal of fun. and much more up my street than trecking into town everytime we want a party, though not that i don't enjoy doing that now and then.
But generally i am being more sociable than i have been in quite sometime, and i am genuinally enjoying it too, which is a little bit of a first for me, and while i have always enjoyed company i have not been one for the night life and the like, but now i feel so much more comforable in my own skin and with who i am, that i don't feel like i need to hide away, and i am ready to let go of some of the inhibions, that have held me back for so long, and i feel that if i can be really happy like this, then the world has know limits to how happy i can be.
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Business of Uni life
I am not doing so well with the whole keeping my blog up to date thing, not hugely surprising considering how much my life has changed in the last few months, I am having trouble keeping myself up to date, let alone keeping everyone else up to date too...hehe
So...What have I been up to, Well surprisingly little to be honest, Have some work i am doing for AIMS now, so at least I am starting to earn money again, which of course, as a student, is in short supply. I have every intention to go round the bars and restaurants and try and find we a part time job in one of those too. I am still not used to being in debt, and to be honest i want to pay of a fair chunk of the money i owe them, cos i can't help but feel bad every time i spend any money on me.
I am really looking forward to going into London this weekend, am FINALLY going to get to meet Jonny. have sort of confirmed it, but need to just make a few arrangements, am also going to go see my aunt, uncle and the beautiful Lola, who started crawling a few days ago, Much to everyones delight, expect Hayde's as she now has to watch her even more closely.
Uni is going really well, we are geting into our mid-term exams and things now, and so far they are going really well, a little nervous about tomorrowz Physics one, on waves. but at least i will get a chance to find out how much a really do know. I actually am starting to feel like i am learning things now, which is a bit of a new concept to me, not happened to me in a great many years...Haha...and i am loving it. Apparently i only need 55% to pass and considering so far i am averaging about 80-90%, so i am thinking that passing isn't really too much of an issue, but it is difficult not to become too relaxed about it all.
I do wish my Physics/electronics lecturer wasn't quite such a bore, it is nothing short of a mircle that i have not fallen asleep in any of her lectures before now, the fact that i wrote most of this blog in one of her lessons just goes to show just how boring she really is.
Went out with the girls on my corridor the other night, such a laugh, had a bit more to drink than i probably should have, but hey isn't that what being a student is all about...Hehe, and besides was so much fun, Hopefully i am going with them to a PJ party next week, should be interesting. I am going to get the photos of the night out from Jess today, so anyone who wants to see pics of my friends and me, making complete fools out of ourselves, just ask...Haha
The temperature has suddenly dropped here the last few days, a little bit later in the year than it normally is, but it is definetlly "take a coat" weather now, and even on the lovely sunny days like today, it is really chilly. I am definetly going to have to invest in some jeans i think, some that actually fit me...Haha.
I am still making a great deal of progress in terms of getting my head sorted, though i am still not where i want to be, i feel like things ar moving in the right direction. I have been talking with my Dad again, his talks always help me see things differentlly.I also got to talk with Drew a bit this weekend, and tho we are both busy busy busy, we are managing to find time to talk to each other which is so nice,.I do really miss him, and i can't wait to see him, but more than that, i wish i could really give him a hug, or just curl up with him, Life does seem to be doing its very best to make his life as difficult as possible, I am glad him and THeresa are getting on so well at the moment, she doesn't seem to drag more crap into his life like everyone else around him, and he nearly always seems better when they have been able to talk.
I had Photos printed for my room as well, which does make it feel a bit more like i have the people i love around me. I have pictures around my mirror of my brothers, my parents, my gran and grandad, Me and Lola, my school friends and of course, me and Drew, i kinda need some pics of my friends here, but guess I will have to work on that one...Hehe, i also have pics of the DOm rep, and Egypt, my two favourite countries, plus just some great moments in my life...
But anyways i will hasve to leave that there, as i am about to be late for Electronics...and we are getting assisgnments back...wish me luck...Tehehe
So...What have I been up to, Well surprisingly little to be honest, Have some work i am doing for AIMS now, so at least I am starting to earn money again, which of course, as a student, is in short supply. I have every intention to go round the bars and restaurants and try and find we a part time job in one of those too. I am still not used to being in debt, and to be honest i want to pay of a fair chunk of the money i owe them, cos i can't help but feel bad every time i spend any money on me.
I am really looking forward to going into London this weekend, am FINALLY going to get to meet Jonny. have sort of confirmed it, but need to just make a few arrangements, am also going to go see my aunt, uncle and the beautiful Lola, who started crawling a few days ago, Much to everyones delight, expect Hayde's as she now has to watch her even more closely.
Uni is going really well, we are geting into our mid-term exams and things now, and so far they are going really well, a little nervous about tomorrowz Physics one, on waves. but at least i will get a chance to find out how much a really do know. I actually am starting to feel like i am learning things now, which is a bit of a new concept to me, not happened to me in a great many years...Haha...and i am loving it. Apparently i only need 55% to pass and considering so far i am averaging about 80-90%, so i am thinking that passing isn't really too much of an issue, but it is difficult not to become too relaxed about it all.
I do wish my Physics/electronics lecturer wasn't quite such a bore, it is nothing short of a mircle that i have not fallen asleep in any of her lectures before now, the fact that i wrote most of this blog in one of her lessons just goes to show just how boring she really is.
Went out with the girls on my corridor the other night, such a laugh, had a bit more to drink than i probably should have, but hey isn't that what being a student is all about...Hehe, and besides was so much fun, Hopefully i am going with them to a PJ party next week, should be interesting. I am going to get the photos of the night out from Jess today, so anyone who wants to see pics of my friends and me, making complete fools out of ourselves, just ask...Haha
The temperature has suddenly dropped here the last few days, a little bit later in the year than it normally is, but it is definetlly "take a coat" weather now, and even on the lovely sunny days like today, it is really chilly. I am definetly going to have to invest in some jeans i think, some that actually fit me...Haha.
I am still making a great deal of progress in terms of getting my head sorted, though i am still not where i want to be, i feel like things ar moving in the right direction. I have been talking with my Dad again, his talks always help me see things differentlly.I also got to talk with Drew a bit this weekend, and tho we are both busy busy busy, we are managing to find time to talk to each other which is so nice,.I do really miss him, and i can't wait to see him, but more than that, i wish i could really give him a hug, or just curl up with him, Life does seem to be doing its very best to make his life as difficult as possible, I am glad him and THeresa are getting on so well at the moment, she doesn't seem to drag more crap into his life like everyone else around him, and he nearly always seems better when they have been able to talk.
I had Photos printed for my room as well, which does make it feel a bit more like i have the people i love around me. I have pictures around my mirror of my brothers, my parents, my gran and grandad, Me and Lola, my school friends and of course, me and Drew, i kinda need some pics of my friends here, but guess I will have to work on that one...Hehe, i also have pics of the DOm rep, and Egypt, my two favourite countries, plus just some great moments in my life...
But anyways i will hasve to leave that there, as i am about to be late for Electronics...and we are getting assisgnments back...wish me luck...Tehehe
Sunday, 4 November 2007
True love and Drunken nights
First of all i want to appologise for writting this while Tipsy. But well it might be a laugh anyways...Tehehe...
Had a really good time talking to Drew Yesterday. and today as well, it just makes me reaslise how much i am still in love with this guy, i really would give almost anything for us to be able to be together again, And it breaks my heart just knowing it simply isn't possible at the moment, and i can see it hurting him too; I feel bad, as if he doesn't have enough crap going on his life at the moment, he has me to worry about on top of it all, but i just hope i can be as supporting to him as i try to be, and as much as he diserves, cos i really would give up the world to stop his pain.
A large part of me wishes he could be here, meeting the wonderful people i am meeting and having the great fun i am having, cos i am loving life here, with its randomness and general love of life, cos everyone just seems so much more alive here than people I have met anywhere else, And it is so what i need right now.
I will leave this on a note of how much i would recomend Uni to anyone, no matter how shy or scared you are, You will have a great time, and don't let it bother you, And just be yourself, and there are sooooo many people here you WILL find people you get along with, be it 500 people or 5....just believe in yourself. That is all it takes...
Had a really good time talking to Drew Yesterday. and today as well, it just makes me reaslise how much i am still in love with this guy, i really would give almost anything for us to be able to be together again, And it breaks my heart just knowing it simply isn't possible at the moment, and i can see it hurting him too; I feel bad, as if he doesn't have enough crap going on his life at the moment, he has me to worry about on top of it all, but i just hope i can be as supporting to him as i try to be, and as much as he diserves, cos i really would give up the world to stop his pain.
A large part of me wishes he could be here, meeting the wonderful people i am meeting and having the great fun i am having, cos i am loving life here, with its randomness and general love of life, cos everyone just seems so much more alive here than people I have met anywhere else, And it is so what i need right now.
I will leave this on a note of how much i would recomend Uni to anyone, no matter how shy or scared you are, You will have a great time, and don't let it bother you, And just be yourself, and there are sooooo many people here you WILL find people you get along with, be it 500 people or 5....just believe in yourself. That is all it takes...
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
My Dad said to me....
" Another way of looking at it - you have gorged yourself with a range of experiences in the last year or so (some good, some bad) and you effectively have a large stack sat in your mental in-tray waiting to be assimilated properly into your inner self. You could regard some of your "issues" as being akin to mental indigestion..
If you keep your brain ticking over getting your head around the maths, physics and electronics, you will find in a few months time that some of that backlog will have been integrated back into you and won't feel so raw
It's a slightly wierd way of thinking about what is going on - in effect you keep your mind and body busy but not stressed on useful stuff, and the other stuff will slowly slot into its natural place, sort of as a side-effect, sort-of by accident."
My father said this to me today, and it just seemed to make sense....Was one of the greatest things people have said to me in a long time.
If you keep your brain ticking over getting your head around the maths, physics and electronics, you will find in a few months time that some of that backlog will have been integrated back into you and won't feel so raw
It's a slightly wierd way of thinking about what is going on - in effect you keep your mind and body busy but not stressed on useful stuff, and the other stuff will slowly slot into its natural place, sort of as a side-effect, sort-of by accident."
My father said this to me today, and it just seemed to make sense....Was one of the greatest things people have said to me in a long time.
uni, migranes, panic attacks and life
Well lets start with the good things, cos on the whole life is great....I am happy, i have several good friends on my corridor, and i feel strangely free at the moment, like for the first time...Well ever...my life REALLY is my own, and i am not going to do anything i don't want to, and more than that, i am not going to feel bad about it. And on top of all that, I am top of my class in maths, and not far off in either Electronics of Physics, and i am enjoying the work, I actually feel like not only I can complete this uni course, i WANT to finish this Uni course.
I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.
Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.
And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.
Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.
I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.
Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.
And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.
Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Into Halls
Has been a few days at least since i last posted an update, and well i have been really busy and lots has happened.
Started uni lectures, it is really fun on the whole actually, tho we haven't exactly done lots yet, more introductions, and working through some basics. Maths is increably easy, which is really nice, it is more reminders for me than anything else. so is still usful to be going through it...:)
Physics, I remember more than i thought i would and though i am having some difficultly remembering what units are used to Express what, I am making quick Progress, and wonderfully i feel like i am finally learning something.
Electronics, bits of this i am finding a little scarey, but nothing too bad, considering i have never done it before, having really got the hang of the Maths, and doing okay in the Physics is definetly making this Easier.
Haven't really met a lot of people yet, but i really haven't been feeling up to it as i have Developed a really horrible cold, but have spoken to quite a few people on my course, I often Sit with Siobhan and Matt, And i speak to Jill, Keri (sp?...No idea how he spells his name..Hehe) and the other Matt fairly Regularly, and it is easier now we have spoken a few times.
I have never been very good with the Social side of things, but i moved into halls last night, and well i am going to have to make a real effort to Speak to the other girls on my corridor, I think once i have finished sorting my room, I will leave the door to the corridor open more, And i will make a name tag to go on my Door, so people know what to call me at least...hehe.
But generally things are pretty good, I am about to travel over to Woking to see my pobation officer, so i need to ask if i can transfer that to Reading now i am living here...Hehe
Need to get me a Rug for this Floor tho...:s it is HORRIBLE...haha
Started uni lectures, it is really fun on the whole actually, tho we haven't exactly done lots yet, more introductions, and working through some basics. Maths is increably easy, which is really nice, it is more reminders for me than anything else. so is still usful to be going through it...:)
Physics, I remember more than i thought i would and though i am having some difficultly remembering what units are used to Express what, I am making quick Progress, and wonderfully i feel like i am finally learning something.
Electronics, bits of this i am finding a little scarey, but nothing too bad, considering i have never done it before, having really got the hang of the Maths, and doing okay in the Physics is definetly making this Easier.
Haven't really met a lot of people yet, but i really haven't been feeling up to it as i have Developed a really horrible cold, but have spoken to quite a few people on my course, I often Sit with Siobhan and Matt, And i speak to Jill, Keri (sp?...No idea how he spells his name..Hehe) and the other Matt fairly Regularly, and it is easier now we have spoken a few times.
I have never been very good with the Social side of things, but i moved into halls last night, and well i am going to have to make a real effort to Speak to the other girls on my corridor, I think once i have finished sorting my room, I will leave the door to the corridor open more, And i will make a name tag to go on my Door, so people know what to call me at least...hehe.
But generally things are pretty good, I am about to travel over to Woking to see my pobation officer, so i need to ask if i can transfer that to Reading now i am living here...Hehe
Need to get me a Rug for this Floor tho...:s it is HORRIBLE...haha
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)