Well I would just like to tell you how SHIT i feel today, and guess what I should feel shit the way my life has been going lately, and thats right you, you guessed it, it is ALL my fault. And i wish that was sarcasm.
Uni - So basically i am a lasy bitch who should get off her arse and go to lectures for once, What is so damned scarey about a frelling lecture, Or is it the work that scares the shit out of me. So yeah, no lectures = failing, so thats just wonderful, I am only doing half what everyone else is doing and i still can't get it right. How frelling retarded am I. And why exactly do i bother, i HATE studying, i mean REALLY REALLY HATE studying. And the new job has just made that even more clear. I was happy while i was working, actually working, job working, it was great, i felt at ease i knew what I was doing, and i felt good. And as soon as i realised yesterday that by comparison the university studying stuff felt like hell on earth by comparison my heart broke, and my brain freaked out.
Cos i am so stuck, having spent THOUSANDS of pounds to be here, and with no where else to go, I can't walk away, I can't get out, There is no escaping. I have passed the point of no return.
And yet it is driving me literally insane.
Thats not to even start on my weight. I am SEVENTEEN STONE!!!! (thats 238 lbs) And i hate every pound of that. I have finally reached a point where the idea of eating makes me feel sick, i am so discusted and revolted by myself, that i am simply in awe of those who manage to like me, let alone love me.
So Yes i guess i am letting myself fall into a pit of self-destructive Loathing, but to be honest, i see no way out right now.
I just hope that tomorrow I feel better, that this is just an extreme view stuck in my mind, but i can't help but worry that days to come will be no different from this.
I guess that at least i have work to look forward to now.
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