Exam time again

Thought i would update this blog of mine, and i thought purhaps a rant about hating exams, and them ruinning any chance of a social life for a month or so. First up the infamously difficult Electromagnetism exam, which i am dreading more than anything else. I have 3 days to learn a years worth of work, this is going to be very interesting.
At least i have over a week to get ready for Digital Circuits after that, and that one is comparatively easy. And then two weeks till FPGAs and HDLs, which is quite as bad as it sounds, but i have time.

Could i possibly find something else to fuck up....?

Well I would just like to tell you how SHIT i feel today, and guess what I should feel shit the way my life has been going lately, and thats right you, you guessed it, it is ALL my fault. And i wish that was sarcasm.
Uni - So basically i am a lasy bitch who should get off her arse and go to lectures for once, What is so damned scarey about a frelling lecture, Or is it the work that scares the shit out of me. So yeah, no lectures = failing, so thats just wonderful, I am only doing half what everyone else is doing and i still can't get it right. How frelling retarded am I. And why exactly do i bother, i HATE studying, i mean REALLY REALLY HATE studying. And the new job has just made that even more clear. I was happy while i was working, actually working, job working, it was great, i felt at ease i knew what I was doing, and i felt good. And as soon as i realised yesterday that by comparison the university studying stuff felt like hell on earth by comparison my heart broke, and my brain freaked out.
Cos i am so stuck, having spent THOUSANDS of pounds to be here, and with no where else to go, I can't walk away, I can't get out, There is no escaping. I have passed the point of no return.
And yet it is driving me literally insane.
Thats not to even start on my weight. I am SEVENTEEN STONE!!!! (thats 238 lbs) And i hate every pound of that. I have finally reached a point where the idea of eating makes me feel sick, i am so discusted and revolted by myself, that i am simply in awe of those who manage to like me, let alone love me.
So Yes i guess i am letting myself fall into a pit of self-destructive Loathing, but to be honest, i see no way out right now.
I just hope that tomorrow I feel better, that this is just an extreme view stuck in my mind, but i can't help but worry that days to come will be no different from this.
I guess that at least i have work to look forward to now.

One Bad Day.

Well today was just one of those days, I knew from early on it was not going to be much fun. I woke up way to early feeling sick and apprehensive about going back to uni, which was something that was never going to be easy for me. I sat around and by the time i have managed to get myself out the door, i was running late for my very first lecture.
So me being me, i failed to talk myself into going into the lecture as i thought the idea of everyone looking at me while I walk in late would be the stuff of nightmares.
So I don't go, but trying to be proactive i manage to see a disability supervisor, a really helpful, nice guy and we get things sorted a bit more, so feeling a little better, off i head to lecture number 2, which goes pretty well, I understand most of it and have a recording to get the rest later, same with lecture 3 (by this time i am tired and bored but still going).
So a lunch break during which i get some support sorted for practicals which are the bit that mentally i find most difficult.
and also find out there are "no practicals this week", or so i am told.
So off i go to lecture 4, where i am promptly told that there IS a practical that afternoon, and a few little alarm bells start ringing.
I try to catch the lecturer at the end, but he leaves to quickly. So i go to lecture 5, i feel myself getting more and more tense, but i have managed to record all of the lectures so far, and managed to take a few notes, so wasn't feeling too bad, but then, I was a little late for the practical, and as i stood there in the door way i just wanted the cry, i could feel every bone in my body shaking, and i felt dizzy, faint and short of breath, there was no way i was going in that room, i felt so vulnerable. So i managed to get the attention of the lecturer and told him that i couldn't cope, and I came home.
To be honest i was feeling okay, not great, but okay, and was just glad for that, but on getting home, everything seemed to not work, or just be difficult, and it was frustrating and tiring.
Then my computer started giving me trouble, i noticed how much of a mess there still is in my room, and I became painfully aware that the idea of practicals scares the living crap out of me, and i am not sure this is something just a mentor can help me beat.
I became very upset, and my depression peaked, and i could not help but cry, and I wanted to not be stuck doing some uni course i care so little about, away from the person who more than anything i want to be with. So i talked to Him, which helped, and i yelled at my mother, which also helped, and had a hug from my best friend, again which helped, and some cider which i am not sure helped, but was nice.
And so now i am drained and tired, and a little cross with myself.
And feeling guilty for dumping this on others. (thank you all by the way, whether you read this or not). But i will be okay, if not tonight, then tomorrow, when i can try again.

23 Years young

Well i guess it is time i should update you on the adventurous happenings of my 23rd birthday.

It isn't that long a story, and to really appreciate it, i think you need to have seen the videos which i am part way through hosting on Facebook as we speak. 

Basically i had nothing planned, really didn't think i wanted to go out or anything, so Rich phoned/txt a few friends to come round later, as it happens most people were busy or ill, but anyways, a few hours later me, Rich, Abiy and Serena, have birthday Pizza, and Anoop and Filipe joined us in the Kitchen soon after. Wen joined us for a short while, but decided she needed to go study.

We quickly made our way through a couple of beers each, just laughing and talking, and it was really nice, And then Anoop started drinking Vodka, and Rich Swiftly followed him, not long after i joined in with a bottle of wine for myself. (did offer others some, but they all seemed to think me having the whole bottle was a much better idea)

Filipe decided he didn't really want to drink (later he told me he would have if we had done games....if only i had known sooner...hehe), And both Serena and Abiy decided to not have any more after the couple of beers they had already had.

About 30 mins later Anoop says that he could probably drink more than Rich, to which Rich laughs and the challenge began. Rich already being either 1 or 2 beers ahead of anoop, seemed to show very little sign of being drunk (typical Rich) and Anoop was a little less than steady, (see videos). As time went on it became more and more clear how drunk he was getting. Rich was sluring his words a little and was not so steady any more, which is really about as drunk as he gets, And Anoop, well was talking crap. Serena took a video and then disappeared off to bed.

Deciding he had really had enough, he put his coat on and stood up, and we realised he was about to try and walk home. This was NOT going to happen, he could barely stand, and when he tried to put his gloves on, nearly fell over, almost taking a chair with him. 

The guys decided that they were going to walk him home, and not wanting to be left at home on my own, i decided to join them. By this point Anoop could no longer stand on his own at all, and he actually fell face down on the floor in the hall, making enough noise that Serena heard it from her room upstairs. So Abiy and Filipe more or less carried/dragged Anoop out of the Halls, and along the road, before we realised he was basically unconious and they couldn't carry him any further. We decided to take him to the hospital, which to our annoyance, was back the way we had just come...Haha. 

So after about 5/10 mins, during which Anoop was sitting propt up against a fence, Filipe's Girlfriend Cecy brought their car, which we managed to lift him into, just in time for him to hurl all over himself and the front of the car. 

So Filipe and Rich drive Anoop to the hospital, and Me Cecy and Abiy all walk the 5 min walk there and we meet up in the A and E waiting room. 

After an hour or so Anoop is taken through, and Rich goes with him, and about an hour later Abiy and Cecy walk home, leaving me and Filipe to spend another 2 hours waiting around, (we did go home for half an hour or so to get food) and eventually, having taken Anoop back home, and Filipe and Rich having put him to bed, we all got to go home and go to bed, and about 4am.

And while yes it was not quite how i had thought i would spend my evening, at least i won't forget it.

12 days of Christmas, a new year and 18 hours of sleep

I ended last school term, on somewhat uneven ground, just about holding it together, i was depressed, and having mood swings, that would make your average pregnant woman seem calm and together. So anyways, the point being i was glad to go home (which in itself was an unusual feeling). 

It was fairly stress free and relaxing (apart from the usual mother drama) for a week or so, after which i took the train to exeter to go stay with my grandparents in the run up to christmas (this also meant we would have less time with all 6 of us in the house as Haddon came home the day i went to Devon). 

I felt it was important that my grandparents weren't alone in the lead up to Christmas given all they had been through last year, so we met in exeter after my grandad went for his most recent check up following his cancer, when he was given the all clear. We had a great day in town followed by a lovely few days filled with friends of my grandparents and a great deal of cooking. Including a night of Carol singing in the Local pub, and a carol concert in the church, which if i am honest i would have rather not sat through, but as my Gran is in the choir i had to show support for, tho i still feel somewhat like i am tresspassing whenever i am in a church. It was however an oportunity to put some flowers on Uncle Richards grave, and then (and again now as i even think about it) cry a few tears.

We headed back to my parents house all together on the 23rd Dec, and the house became what it should be in the Christmas season, and for the first time in a few years i felt truley Christmasy; The house was busy, and crowded, always something going on, we put up the Tree and the decorations, which some how seemed to have been mulitplying in the roof over the last 12 months...Tehe. and there was Christmas decorations everywhere. (I will try and see if i have some Christmas Pics i can put on Flickr later). We did also spend about 4 hours preparing various foods for Christmas day, tho i think this is something we will indeed try to repeat next year as it did make Christmas day a lot less panicy

Come Christmas eve, max eagerly went to bed, having helped me put out the usual Mince pie, Carrot and Sherry; although we all know he doesn't believe it is still great that he will play along.

And we promtly filled under the tree with mountains of presents. (again i will try and find pics)

So Christmas day, my Uncle Mick, and his partner Hayde, and there gorgeous 2 year old daugher, Lola, arrive about 10.30am. It was strange cos my Uncle hadn't spent christmas with his mother since he was about 16, but actually it was brilliant, we had a breakfast of coissant, brioche and Bucks fizz, which is the only way to start Christmas day.

Afterwhich my brothers and Lola handed out the presents to each person and we spent a great day opening them and playing with Lola, before we had the full british Christmas dinner, and lola just wanted to eat Marmite...hahaha.

We even had crackers with bells inside them, so we could play little tunes with them. We spent a few hours eating dinner, finished opening presents and then spent another half an hour eating a really good Christmas pudding, before going back to playing with the new stuff we all had.

Anyways, they left that evening, but it was a great day.

The next few days we just spent time at home, playing games, drinking, talking and such, it was just really relaxing. Decided to spend new years with Haddon and Toby in reading with my housemates, so on the evening of the 31st we drove to Reading, it was a great evening, filled with Alcohol, and drunken laughs, Including popping a bottle of bubbly outside the house at midnight, and singing Auld Lang Syne. Followed later by playing gears of war 2 with Haddon and Toby until 5 in the morning, and laughing for hours, was a really good evening.

We stayed in reading for a few days before going home on the evening of the 2nd, as we were going to London on the 3rd. And so it was, we woke up early(ish) on the 3rd, and all got into the car and drove into central london to see my uncle Rob, which doesn't sound that unnerving or anything i know, but this is a guy i haven't seen in about 3/4 years, and whose son (my cousin Luke) i haven't seen for even longer; he also got married nearly 2 years ago, to a lovely Woman named Lisa, who also has a son (George). Anyways, the point being this was a totally unknown place for me, with almost unknown members of my family, and those who i kinda knew i never had much time for, but surprisingly it was great, we got along well, and it was a really good day, spent lots of time talking with and getting to know my cousin and step-cousin,  and i actually managed to stop hating my uncle, and his wife is great.

The next week or so were sort of not that interesting or eventful, but it was just nice to have a relaxed period of time. and then i came back to uni, and it all starts again.

I am not going to go into it all in this post but the term didn't get off to the best start, but it is all getting better now, I will write another post in a few days and update you on all happenings Since coming back to uni in a few days.

I didn't see December as is creeped up so Quickly

Well i will start by updating on the topic of my last post; I have yet to fall off that edge, but i admit there have been odd days where i thought i had. My Weight, while no where near where i wanted it to be by this point, but i have managed to loose about 10lbs, which might not sound much to some, is a lot for me, and i hope i can loose another 2 or 3, before christmas time.

I have had a very poor few weeks, largely down to my low self esteme and my inability to pick myself up and get on with things, tho i am trying very hard not to blame myself, as that ony helps to kick start the downward spiral i keep climbing onto. So i have made a decision, i am really going to try my very best to attend all lectures as best i can (this has not been even close to happening lately) and i am going to not diet, but eat a steady diet, with smaller portions, and hope i can loose a few lbs....:D (maybe I will have a few hours in the Gym this week too....;-)  <----before my membership runs out)

I have also been getting really excited about Christmas, i am still praying that i will get to spend it with my Aunt and Uncle and my 23 month olf cousin, cos that would just make it an amazing Christmas....and i think they would enjoy it too. I am just ready for this year to end and preferably on a happy note, (or two happy notes as am having a new years party here in reading).

So Bring on Christmas, will worry about 2009 later... ;-)

On the Edge

I have finally reached a point where i have realised how bad my weight is, and i am not in denial. I am obese, and it is making me ugly and ill. And you know what i have had enough, i want to reach 165lbs, which would be a good weight, not great, but a hell of a lot better, and i could love myself again. this means i have 52lbs to loose, which is horrible, and terrifying, and feels un manageable.
there are however 11 weeks left until the christmas hols, and i have faith that i can manage to loose an average of 2lbs a weeks until then, so that would be 22lbs, so i am aiming to under or at least at 200lbs by then... :).
I have joined the gym, and i am going to eat well, all i need now is support and to find my own strength to make this happen. before i fall off that edge