My life, Through my eyes.

Exam time again

2010-04-25T07:09:00.001-07:00

Thought i would update this blog of mine, and i thought purhaps a rant about hating exams, and them ruinning any chance of a social life for a month or so. First up the infamously difficult Electromagnetism exam, which i am dreading more than anything else. I have 3 days to learn a years worth of work, this is going to be very interesting.
At least i have over a week to get ready for Digital Circuits after that, and that one is comparatively easy. And then two weeks till FPGAs and HDLs, which is quite as bad as it sounds, but i have time.

Could i possibly find something else to fuck up....?

2010-02-02T05:54:00.000-08:00

Well I would just like to tell you how SHIT i feel today, and guess what I should feel shit the way my life has been going lately, and thats right you, you guessed it, it is ALL my fault. And i wish that was sarcasm.
Uni - So basically i am a lasy bitch who should get off her arse and go to lectures for once, What is so damned scarey about a frelling lecture, Or is it the work that scares the shit out of me. So yeah, no lectures = failing, so thats just wonderful, I am only doing half what everyone else is doing and i still can't get it right. How frelling retarded am I. And why exactly do i bother, i HATE studying, i mean REALLY REALLY HATE studying. And the new job has just made that even more clear. I was happy while i was working, actually working, job working, it was great, i felt at ease i knew what I was doing, and i felt good. And as soon as i realised yesterday that by comparison the university studying stuff felt like hell on earth by comparison my heart broke, and my brain freaked out.
Cos i am so stuck, having spent THOUSANDS of pounds to be here, and with no where else to go, I can't walk away, I can't get out, There is no escaping. I have passed the point of no return.
And yet it is driving me literally insane.
Thats not to even start on my weight. I am SEVENTEEN STONE!!!! (thats 238 lbs) And i hate every pound of that. I have finally reached a point where the idea of eating makes me feel sick, i am so discusted and revolted by myself, that i am simply in awe of those who manage to like me, let alone love me.
So Yes i guess i am letting myself fall into a pit of self-destructive Loathing, but to be honest, i see no way out right now.
I just hope that tomorrow I feel better, that this is just an extreme view stuck in my mind, but i can't help but worry that days to come will be no different from this.
I guess that at least i have work to look forward to now.

One Bad Day.

2009-10-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well today was just one of those days, I knew from early on it was not going to be much fun. I woke up way to early feeling sick and apprehensive about going back to uni, which was something that was never going to be easy for me. I sat around and by the time i have managed to get myself out the door, i was running late for my very first lecture.
So me being me, i failed to talk myself into going into the lecture as i thought the idea of everyone looking at me while I walk in late would be the stuff of nightmares.
So I don't go, but trying to be proactive i manage to see a disability supervisor, a really helpful, nice guy and we get things sorted a bit more, so feeling a little better, off i head to lecture number 2, which goes pretty well, I understand most of it and have a recording to get the rest later, same with lecture 3 (by this time i am tired and bored but still going).
So a lunch break during which i get some support sorted for practicals which are the bit that mentally i find most difficult.
and also find out there are "no practicals this week", or so i am told.
So off i go to lecture 4, where i am promptly told that there IS a practical that afternoon, and a few little alarm bells start ringing.
I try to catch the lecturer at the end, but he leaves to quickly. So i go to lecture 5, i feel myself getting more and more tense, but i have managed to record all of the lectures so far, and managed to take a few notes, so wasn't feeling too bad, but then, I was a little late for the practical, and as i stood there in the door way i just wanted the cry, i could feel every bone in my body shaking, and i felt dizzy, faint and short of breath, there was no way i was going in that room, i felt so vulnerable. So i managed to get the attention of the lecturer and told him that i couldn't cope, and I came home.
To be honest i was feeling okay, not great, but okay, and was just glad for that, but on getting home, everything seemed to not work, or just be difficult, and it was frustrating and tiring.
Then my computer started giving me trouble, i noticed how much of a mess there still is in my room, and I became painfully aware that the idea of practicals scares the living crap out of me, and i am not sure this is something just a mentor can help me beat.
I became very upset, and my depression peaked, and i could not help but cry, and I wanted to not be stuck doing some uni course i care so little about, away from the person who more than anything i want to be with. So i talked to Him, which helped, and i yelled at my mother, which also helped, and had a hug from my best friend, again which helped, and some cider which i am not sure helped, but was nice.
And so now i am drained and tired, and a little cross with myself.
And feeling guilty for dumping this on others. (thank you all by the way, whether you read this or not). But i will be okay, if not tonight, then tomorrow, when i can try again.

23 Years young

2009-02-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

Well i guess it is time i should update you on the adventurous happenings of my 23rd birthday.

It isn't that long a story, and to really appreciate it, i think you need to have seen the videos which i am part way through hosting on Facebook as we speak.

Basically i had nothing planned, really didn't think i wanted to go out or anything, so Rich phoned/txt a few friends to come round later, as it happens most people were busy or ill, but anyways, a few hours later me, Rich, Abiy and Serena, have birthday Pizza, and Anoop and Filipe joined us in the Kitchen soon after. Wen joined us for a short while, but decided she needed to go study.

We quickly made our way through a couple of beers each, just laughing and talking, and it was really nice, And then Anoop started drinking Vodka, and Rich Swiftly followed him, not long after i joined in with a bottle of wine for myself. (did offer others some, but they all seemed to think me having the whole bottle was a much better idea)

Filipe decided he didn't really want to drink (later he told me he would have if we had done games....if only i had known sooner...hehe), And both Serena and Abiy decided to not have any more after the couple of beers they had already had.

About 30 mins later Anoop says that he could probably drink more than Rich, to which Rich laughs and the challenge began. Rich already being either 1 or 2 beers ahead of anoop, seemed to show very little sign of being drunk (typical Rich) and Anoop was a little less than steady, (see videos). As time went on it became more and more clear how drunk he was getting. Rich was sluring his words a little and was not so steady any more, which is really about as drunk as he gets, And Anoop, well was talking crap. Serena took a video and then disappeared off to bed.

Deciding he had really had enough, he put his coat on and stood up, and we realised he was about to try and walk home. This was NOT going to happen, he could barely stand, and when he tried to put his gloves on, nearly fell over, almost taking a chair with him.

The guys decided that they were going to walk him home, and not wanting to be left at home on my own, i decided to join them. By this point Anoop could no longer stand on his own at all, and he actually fell face down on the floor in the hall, making enough noise that Serena heard it from her room upstairs. So Abiy and Filipe more or less carried/dragged Anoop out of the Halls, and along the road, before we realised he was basically unconious and they couldn't carry him any further. We decided to take him to the hospital, which to our annoyance, was back the way we had just come...Haha.

So after about 5/10 mins, during which Anoop was sitting propt up against a fence, Filipe's Girlfriend Cecy brought their car, which we managed to lift him into, just in time for him to hurl all over himself and the front of the car.

So Filipe and Rich drive Anoop to the hospital, and Me Cecy and Abiy all walk the 5 min walk there and we meet up in the A and E waiting room.

After an hour or so Anoop is taken through, and Rich goes with him, and about an hour later Abiy and Cecy walk home, leaving me and Filipe to spend another 2 hours waiting around, (we did go home for half an hour or so to get food) and eventually, having taken Anoop back home, and Filipe and Rich having put him to bed, we all got to go home and go to bed, and about 4am.

And while yes it was not quite how i had thought i would spend my evening, at least i won't forget it.

12 days of Christmas, a new year and 18 hours of sleep

2009-02-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

I ended last school term, on somewhat uneven ground, just about holding it together, i was depressed, and having mood swings, that would make your average pregnant woman seem calm and together. So anyways, the point being i was glad to go home (which in itself was an unusual feeling).

It was fairly stress free and relaxing (apart from the usual mother drama) for a week or so, after which i took the train to exeter to go stay with my grandparents in the run up to christmas (this also meant we would have less time with all 6 of us in the house as Haddon came home the day i went to Devon).

I felt it was important that my grandparents weren't alone in the lead up to Christmas given all they had been through last year, so we met in exeter after my grandad went for his most recent check up following his cancer, when he was given the all clear. We had a great day in town followed by a lovely few days filled with friends of my grandparents and a great deal of cooking. Including a night of Carol singing in the Local pub, and a carol concert in the church, which if i am honest i would have rather not sat through, but as my Gran is in the choir i had to show support for, tho i still feel somewhat like i am tresspassing whenever i am in a church. It was however an oportunity to put some flowers on Uncle Richards grave, and then (and again now as i even think about it) cry a few tears.

We headed back to my parents house all together on the 23rd Dec, and the house became what it should be in the Christmas season, and for the first time in a few years i felt truley Christmasy; The house was busy, and crowded, always something going on, we put up the Tree and the decorations, which some how seemed to have been mulitplying in the roof over the last 12 months...Tehe. and there was Christmas decorations everywhere. (I will try and see if i have some Christmas Pics i can put on Flickr later). We did also spend about 4 hours preparing various foods for Christmas day, tho i think this is something we will indeed try to repeat next year as it did make Christmas day a lot less panicy

Come Christmas eve, max eagerly went to bed, having helped me put out the usual Mince pie, Carrot and Sherry; although we all know he doesn't believe it is still great that he will play along.

And we promtly filled under the tree with mountains of presents. (again i will try and find pics)

So Christmas day, my Uncle Mick, and his partner Hayde, and there gorgeous 2 year old daugher, Lola, arrive about 10.30am. It was strange cos my Uncle hadn't spent christmas with his mother since he was about 16, but actually it was brilliant, we had a breakfast of coissant, brioche and Bucks fizz, which is the only way to start Christmas day.

Afterwhich my brothers and Lola handed out the presents to each person and we spent a great day opening them and playing with Lola, before we had the full british Christmas dinner, and lola just wanted to eat Marmite...hahaha.

We even had crackers with bells inside them, so we could play little tunes with them. We spent a few hours eating dinner, finished opening presents and then spent another half an hour eating a really good Christmas pudding, before going back to playing with the new stuff we all had.

Anyways, they left that evening, but it was a great day.

The next few days we just spent time at home, playing games, drinking, talking and such, it was just really relaxing. Decided to spend new years with Haddon and Toby in reading with my housemates, so on the evening of the 31st we drove to Reading, it was a great evening, filled with Alcohol, and drunken laughs, Including popping a bottle of bubbly outside the house at midnight, and singing Auld Lang Syne. Followed later by playing gears of war 2 with Haddon and Toby until 5 in the morning, and laughing for hours, was a really good evening.

We stayed in reading for a few days before going home on the evening of the 2nd, as we were going to London on the 3rd. And so it was, we woke up early(ish) on the 3rd, and all got into the car and drove into central london to see my uncle Rob, which doesn't sound that unnerving or anything i know, but this is a guy i haven't seen in about 3/4 years, and whose son (my cousin Luke) i haven't seen for even longer; he also got married nearly 2 years ago, to a lovely Woman named Lisa, who also has a son (George). Anyways, the point being this was a totally unknown place for me, with almost unknown members of my family, and those who i kinda knew i never had much time for, but surprisingly it was great, we got along well, and it was a really good day, spent lots of time talking with and getting to know my cousin and step-cousin, and i actually managed to stop hating my uncle, and his wife is great.

The next week or so were sort of not that interesting or eventful, but it was just nice to have a relaxed period of time. and then i came back to uni, and it all starts again.

I am not going to go into it all in this post but the term didn't get off to the best start, but it is all getting better now, I will write another post in a few days and update you on all happenings Since coming back to uni in a few days.

I didn't see December as is creeped up so Quickly

2008-12-08T05:32:00.001-08:00

Well i will start by updating on the topic of my last post; I have yet to fall off that edge, but i admit there have been odd days where i thought i had. My Weight, while no where near where i wanted it to be by this point, but i have managed to loose about 10lbs, which might not sound much to some, is a lot for me, and i hope i can loose another 2 or 3, before christmas time.

I have had a very poor few weeks, largely down to my low self esteme and my inability to pick myself up and get on with things, tho i am trying very hard not to blame myself, as that ony helps to kick start the downward spiral i keep climbing onto. So i have made a decision, i am really going to try my very best to attend all lectures as best i can (this has not been even close to happening lately) and i am going to not diet, but eat a steady diet, with smaller portions, and hope i can loose a few lbs....:D (maybe I will have a few hours in the Gym this week too....;-) <----before my membership runs out)

I have also been getting really excited about Christmas, i am still praying that i will get to spend it with my Aunt and Uncle and my 23 month olf cousin, cos that would just make it an amazing Christmas....and i think they would enjoy it too. I am just ready for this year to end and preferably on a happy note, (or two happy notes as am having a new years party here in reading).

So Bring on Christmas, will worry about 2009 later... ;-)

On the Edge

2008-10-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached a point where i have realised how bad my weight is, and i am not in denial. I am obese, and it is making me ugly and ill. And you know what i have had enough, i want to reach 165lbs, which would be a good weight, not great, but a hell of a lot better, and i could love myself again. this means i have 52lbs to loose, which is horrible, and terrifying, and feels un manageable.
there are however 11 weeks left until the christmas hols, and i have faith that i can manage to loose an average of 2lbs a weeks until then, so that would be 22lbs, so i am aiming to under or at least at 200lbs by then... :).
I have joined the gym, and i am going to eat well, all i need now is support and to find my own strength to make this happen. before i fall off that edge

I suck

2008-10-08T01:20:00.000-07:00

as of last night i have been feeling like crap, I have HORRIBLE cramps like someone is kicking me in the stomach, i feel faint, and sick, i am all shakey, and emotionally i can't stay still for 2 seconds, but i feel like such a bitch and an idiot. It is only day 3 of lectures, and i am going to have to miss a day, which is stressing me out, and i am missing ANOTHER tutor meeting, which is like the third this term already, she must be so pissed off at me. And the other thing is, everyone looks at you like some fucking cripple when you are ill, and i hate that shit, i feel bad enough as it is, and right now i just want to cry and make it all go away.

Food

2008-10-04T04:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty much anyone who knows me, knows how much i hate my weight, or more precisely my body. And when me and Richard knew we would definetly both be going to uni again this year, having passed our exams, and that we would be living in the same house, we thought it would be a good idea to try and support each other to loose weight.
The original plan was just to join the gym (which i will be doing next week, tho i have to admit i am terrified) but i suggested we give atkins a go. And so for the last week or so, i have been trying to do atkins, trouble is, we are at uni.
The two things that students normally have particually in the first few weeks, is Pizza and alcohol. and while i have mostly been avoiding both of them, there have been a few slip ups, hehe.
But as of today, i am going to do it properly, i have lost about 7lbs already, which is a HUGE achievement in my eyes, and if i can keep doing that till i loose about 35 then i am basically there.. ;-)
I know if this works tho, it will be in a large part thanks to two people, who have shown me complete support. Drew and Rich, thank you... :)

Money, Money, Money!!

2008-09-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

I swear this is the bane of my life (well probably everyones life). It is 8.30am, and i already know today will be thrown away, finding paperwork, and fighting the system, trying to prove i was supporting myself for 3 years before starting at the university last year. and it is making me want to kick, and scream and cry already.
But you know what i have made a decision, i am just going to hold my head high and wade through all this shit they keep piling in front of me, and just try to forget that the whole darn thing stinks to high heaven of burocratic bull shit.
But you know, i understand they need the proof, it isn't the finding the proof i have a problem with as such, it is that they can't even provide me with an exact list of what they need, so even if i find my proof, it might get to their end, and i can see them now, taking one look at it, and turning around and going "this is the wrong form, you need the OSNA-83722-LJGNAM-7, You needed the OSNA-83722-LJGNAM-8."
*Mutters*

anyways, i know it is all just the way life is, tehehe, Deal with it Pipa, Deal....
And so here i am ranting to let out all my frustration, which ironically, i am currently finding most amusing, and now i can look forward to a fun day of digging through stacks of papers, and a wonderful trip to the job centre....WOOT!

To my Uncle

2008-09-15T10:32:00.001-07:00

Who took his own life before we were ready.

How dare you leave us all,
How dare you not hold on,
How dare you give up, give in,
How can you just be gone.

How could you leave your mother,
Your Sister and your brother,
How about your Father,
How will your son recover.

How dare you leave us all,
Not listen to what we say,
Did you know we loved you,
That we wanted you to stay.

So now you've gone and found the end,
I am supposed to just forgive you,
But dispite it all, I have to say,
I'm sorry but i can't do.

Bitch!

2008-09-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

I have come to one conclusion today, and in fact over the last week or two, that the reasons i am staying at home boil down to one thing and one thing alone, and that if it was not an issue, then i would leave here and disown my mother today. And that is Money, there is NOTHING else keeping me here, and hasn't been for a long time.
I need the money she gives me to get through Uni, i need the free home and food, and i need the job, that i only have through her.
But i always thought, i that i didn't REALLY hate her, that i was just really angry about somethings, but no, i was wrong, i actually really DO hate her. Don't get me wrong, i love her too in a way, but the hate does make that difficult to remember.
She has no respect for anyone else, EVER!

The only person whos time actually means anything to her, is her own, and i doubt that will ever change, to be honest i have no idea why my Dad has stuck around as long as he has. When she went to australia for 10 days, she was going on and on, about how we would manage without her, and how much Dad would miss her; however, it was the best week at home i have had in living memory, and my Dad, while not the happiest he had ever been, was certainly absolutly fine.
She expects us not only to do 90% of stuff around the house, but all the jobs she "doesn't have time for", and then she expects them to be done, when she would normally do it, in the way she would normally do it. I mean for F**K SAKE!, there is no wonder we never do anything of our own accord, we know it will just be critisised anyways.
She is always telling us how busy she is, but of course she never seems to be doing any work, she will spend 4 hours a day (at least, and that is NOT an exaduration) "sorting emails", which is where she sits reading and replying to emails, now this is not something she HAS to do, this is something she CHOOSES to do, and when she isn't doing that, she is playing Slay or Collapse on her Laptop, and on those occasions when she isn't at her laptop, she resorts to the only two other things she seems to be able to do, which is yell and scream about everything, pissing everyone off, or plays on the Playstation. now i am all for downtime, in fact i am quite an expert in it, but surely that implies that she actually DOES have free time.

Now i thought maybe, just maybe, she might let off a little with her brother recently having died, but no, in fact it is just another excuse to yell at everyone, "I am not coping", "It is all just too much at the moment".
Well I have given my share of sympathy, I have cried the tears of my own, and still do sometimes, but it all just feels like another excuse to dump all her responcability as a mother, onto us, and to make this holiday period more difficult for us that it already is.

As siblings we do all love each other every much, but as will be no surprise to anyone who has siblings, and many of those who don't, we don't deal well with being stuck in the same house together all the time. All things considered we are all getting along pretty well, and granted that is partly cos Max is back at school, and Toby at college, but that has only been the last week or so.

As for me personally, i am fed up, and want out, i miss my friends, who i hardly get to see, cos they are either spread all over the country or busy working, I miss Uni, the being busy, the feeling that i am actually achieving something, rather than drifting like i am at the moment. I want control of my life back, I am so sick of being treated like a badly behaved child all the time, and more than that, sick of being worried about what i am saying all the time, cos i know it will be turned on me in one way or another. And i wish i could see the one person i really really want to see, and who i miss mroe than anything else in the whole world, the one person who actually gets me. You know who you are, I love you, if it wasn't for you, i am not sure i could keep going.

Damaged families

2008-08-10T06:12:00.001-07:00

It has been a little while again, and in someways a lot has happened and changed, while in other ways my life is no different than it was a few weeks ago.

I quess the best place to start is with our family holiday, we decided to go to Centerparcs in Sherwood Forest (i did enjoy a few Robin Hood related giggles), which for those of you who don't know, is a holiday village focused around enjoying the forest surroundings and its beautiful lake, and lots of physical activities. (yes that is right i actually did some exercise)

It was amazing, and on the whole the weather was ideal, it was really hot and sunny on the first day but we weren't doing much, so it was nice, and the was generally dry and warm the rest of the week which was brilliant. We played badminton, squash, we learnt to Scuba dive which i had done before, but was still the highlight of the week, cycled a lot, and spent an evening in the amazing spa where you can walk around all the different rooms such as steam baths, and saunas, and fragranced showers, and japansees gardens and water beds....i could go on...

The week sadly ended on a bit of a low point, when my mother recieved a phone call informing us that her brother (my uncle), had died. He lived in australia, and none of us had seen him for about 13 years which made the whole thing much more difficult to get our heads around. My brothers were so young when he went to australia that they literally had no memories of him, where as me and all my family older than me, miss him dearly.

We got on with the activities we had planned that day, including about 4 hours of badminton and squash, as well as swimming, and a lovely meal at an Italian restaurant. later in the day however my mother phoned her mother again, just to talk more, and we found out that my uncle had actually hung himself. This was of course devestating to hear, and to this day i can't really comprehend it.

On getting home we were able to talk to my grandparents and get a clearer picture of what had happened, and what they needed to help deal with the loss of their youngest son. It was quickly obvious that my mother would have to go to australia with them in less that a weeks time, to help sort everything out, and to be at the funeral with them, my other uncle and my mothers other brother, Mich, also decided to join them.

Mich had a little girl who is 1 and a half, who i am besotted with; and having gone to see my grandparents as soon as they heard what happened, they visited us on their way back home, and so in the middle of all this sadness, for one evening, i got to spend it playing with the happiest, funniest little girl in my life, which was just so brilliant. Hopefully i will get to go stay with my cousin and her mother up in london sometime this week, but i left it up to them, so we will see.

They left on Wednesday, and have actually been out there for a few days now, we have spoken to them a few times on skype, but it is clearly difficult to talk about, and as much as we all want to know what is going on it seems we will not get a clear picture until they return at the end of the week.

We had more family come stay yesterday infact, my mothers cousin, and her husband and 3 children, which was lovely, i am so fond of them all; when i was only 7 years old i was a bridesmaid at their wedding, and we have all always got along so well, and again having family around, as specially the children, some how makes everything feel okay again.

Love across the waters

2008-06-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well have to start by saying if you don't already know what the main thing on my mind is at the moment, it is likely this post will make little or no sense to you, but for those of you who do, I spoke to him for the first time in what has to be at least a year, i mean actually heard his beautiful voice, talked to him; it was like having all the poison and doubts about my life that were drifting around inside me for so long, sucked out of me; and left we with a feeling somewhat like completeness.
I have know for a long time i still wanted to Marry this man and spend my life with him, but to hear him say about him feeling the same about me, well it just makes me feel at ease at the world again, and allows me to trust that the fates will lead me to a place where we can be happily together.
We are still not going to be able to see each other for sometime, probably another year, but i know it will have passed in a blink of an eye when i get there, no matter how it may look to be from this side of time. We have so much we have to talk about, and i have no illusions about how difficult some of our history will be to talk about in person, yet at the same time, i feel like we have been waiting to talk about it for far to long already; but as i told him yesterday, our time will come, and he rightly pointed out we both have our own mistakes to fix, and repair as best we can.
In other news.....;-)
I have been writting a lot more of my story in the last couple of months, and tho i have a plan for about another 4 chapters i seem to have hit some kind of writters block, i am having some trouble getting myself motivated again, tho i am sure, when i do finally sit down to write chapter 7 and have it on the paper, pulling me back into my story, it will flow again.
Also i have currently got a broken foot, it really is a bit of a bugger if you ask me, tho not as bad as you might think, cos it seems to be healing quickly, and i can kind of walk now, tho i must remember not to if possible as it is probably not good for the bones to do it too much.
And finally i am trying to hunt down work, to little or no avail, but i will keep trying, it will be so much easier to manage when my foot has recovered, which should be in a few weeks at the most.

sickness and health

2008-02-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

Well i have been ill, as you might have quessed from the title, which is also the excuse i am going to use, for not having updated in such a long time, NOT that anyone reads this much, if at all, as far as i know, so maybe i am sitting talking to myself...Haha.
anyways, i have been thinking a lot about my past, and why i am who i am a guess, and how i got here. so i started writing a post about everything that happened from when i first met Adam, to help me get my head around everything, but it is getting a lot longer than a i planned possibly too long and personal to post here, and maybe something i will only show to a select few, or maybe i will post it, depending, 1, how long it gets, and 2, how it makes me feel in the end.
but anyways, i am all well again now, Physcially if not mentally, though i am working hard on the later, and a good night out in the union with Adam and Andy helped 10 fold with that.
In fact there are several things that were said to me yesterday that stick out, and made my day.
Pete said to me, when i just back to halls having been away for a few days:
"glad to have you back."
Richard said when i was over in his hall with him:
"me, you, Filipe and Anoop, would be great in a house together, is a real shame, Filipe and Anoop already have places to live"
and "you are just one of the guys....no offence"
both of these comments made me smile, cos it just made me realise that our friendship means as much to Richard as it does to me.
And Andy, he said to me when i asked him if he was going to come drinking with me for my birthday:
"of course, would love to, wouldn't miss it"
and Adam defending himself adamently to me, when he said how much hard work Andy can be, like he was worried i would think bad of him, after about a minute, i just laughed, told him i don't think bad of him, and that he worries to much about how other people think of him, which is highly ironic coming from me, as i am the queen of worrying about such things.
I don't know, but having been home for a few days, it was just really nice to have it really hammered home, that the friends I have here are not just "putting up with me" they actually like me, and care about me. Makes life a lot easier to deal with, not to mention a whole lot more worth living.
And as it is my birthday next weekend, a week today infact it is nice to know i will be able to have a really good time, and make up for my crappy 21st...Tehehe

A new and hopefully better year

2008-01-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

It has been far far too long since I last updated this, I kinda got pre-occupied end of last year, going home half way through December, and spent the entire three week holiday enjoying time with my family. particually my brothers, who i have really missed while living in Halls. Particually Haddon, who having been living in Scotland, where he is at Uni, so i had not seen him in about 4 months.
We had a really good Christmas, One of the most festive christmas' i have had in a long time, and i have a great time.
We all went to Devon after Christmas day, and met my Uncle Mick and his Gf, and their beautiful little girl, Lola, and we swaped pressies there, it was so lovely watching Lola unwrapping stuff, and she was so Happy nearly all the time, and playing with Everyone.
Had a fairly quiet new years, at my grandparents house, it was nice though, and compared to the horrible new years i had going into 2007, this was much nicer.
We came back to Camberley on new years day, via my Mum's friends house, a lovely Lady by the name of Shane, who it was really nice to see again, though we didn't stay long.
The next week sort of vanished, playing on Consoles, and doing jigsaws and such, And before i knew it i was back here at Uni, on the 6th, and what a first week that was.
Went out with the 1st Floor girls on the Sunday, it was so busy in the club, that we could hardly move let alone dance, it was kinda horrible actually, but was really nice spending time with them again.
Monday was a long day, (full timetable), and that evening i kinda needed sleep to make up for Sunday night, and good job i did, went out with the guys (Adam and Pete, and several of Pete's mates)on Tuesday night which was a bizzare insight into the male mind. Wednesday Andy turned up, in true Andy style, we had no idea where he was, what he was up to, or when and if he was going to turn up, but Wednesday i had this knock on my door, and there was Andy. Turns out he was on holiday with his lovely girlfriend, Kat, and had only got back from Costa Rica that morning. So to celebrate his return, me Adam and Andy decided to go shopping, and then spent the evening in my room, laughing, drinking wine, and watching "Blue Planet", (which is a nature documentary, though a very good one) Adam eventually got too tired and went off to bed, and after another hour or so, of laughing at various weird Sharks, Andy decided he was too Tired, and WAY too drunk, and headed off home too. So thursday rolls round, and there is a Wine Society meeting i had been thinking about going to, and andy is going too, so he talks me into meeting him there, and we actually have a really good time, but it did mean that for the fourth evening that week, i was drinking...hehe, and having had a full timetable on Thursday, i was very glad to have Friday afternoon off.
I had a fairly un-eventful weekend, and of course another long day on monday, but that was followed by Tuesday and Wednesday off, so Tuesday afternoon, me Andy and Adam headed into town and then that evening we all went out, After i had already got Stupidly drunk playing drinking games in halls, To be honest i shouldn't have gone out, and so i came home earlier, and went straight to bed.
Wednesday i had a Counceller appointment, which i am glad i had cos it helped me figure out several things, and how i was going to sort them, the most important of those beingn the fact i had stopped taking my meds, and what to do about it, He didn't seem to worried, and told me to take them again, and go see my GP ASAP, which i am doing on Wednesday next week. and we came up with ideas to help me stick to it, so i am Hopefullly this time will be better.
this does mean i am going through a very anti-social phase at the moment, and i am tired all the time, i am just hoping to feel more with it, in time for my birthday in a few weeks.
And so this weekend, i have made use of the time i have had, to do work for AIMS in fact i have completed a whole journal in one day, which is a huge acheivement.
And so I think that leaves this more or less up to date, and now my life is settling again, I shall endever to keep this more up to date than it has been.

Happy Days

2007-11-30T16:32:00.000-08:00

Well i have to say the last week or so have been on the whole some of the better weeks i have had in a long time, that is if you disregard the horrible migranes i have been having, and then the meds i have been taking to try and cure them, have been making me REALLY tired, i slept through almost all my lectures on Thursday, luckily my lecturer is an understanding person...:S..
I am going to start a fresh next week though, making sure i get up for breakfast at least 3 times in the week, Preferably 5, but considering i have managed about 1 last week, 3 would be a step in the right direction...Tehehe.
I had Toby come stay with me in Halls last weekend, and i was really pleased how well he got on with all my friends, or all the ones he met anyways, which was actually a large number of them, He seems to be under the impression that i am only capable of making friends with Strange people, and I think it is more i am not very good at staying friends with Boring people...Hehe.
Had a really good thanksgiving, even though technically i don't celebrate it, Me, Adam and Chris, had dinner and drinks with Andy and his girlfriend Kat, who cooked a wonderful meal, and then me, Adam and Chris ventured into town, to the club Po Na Na's, which i hadn't been to before, and was a pleasant surprise, And not too busy on the whole, might have been partly to do with the late hour at which we arrived there, but either way was a nice evening.
While Toby was visiting several things happened, i will start with the bad news first, my 360 died, and i mean really Dead died, the dreaded 3 red lights, that all 360 owners live in fear of seeing...Hehe, I was actually nearly crying, I don't know what i would do with out it, I tried leaving it for a day, but no joy, i even tried putting it different ways up, but no, In the end, i decided there was only one thing for it. I still have my reciept so i decided to take a chance on Game giving me an exchangem given that the date on the reciept is so Faded you can't tell when i bought it, And can you believe my luck, they fell for it, Hook line and Sinker, and gave me an exchange for a brand spanking new one, I was having to try desperately not to laugh at them in the shop, and i got out of the shop and practically danced over to Filipe to tell him...Hehe. It has been working great, i am going to download all my arcade games again, and then i am going to get any new ones i fancy, and then update it again, Worse case senario i am back where i was before, with a few extra games a quieter disk drive, a 360 with more heat sinks and an HDMI port on the back, Is a win/win situation.
We also had a really good night on saturday night, we had a "floor party" which means quite simply we had a party on our floor of halls, just silly drinking games, everything from "flip cup" to "I have never...", the later being the most enlightening of games, and the little devils in the group, as well as the angels showed their true colours, but was a great deal of fun. and much more up my street than trecking into town everytime we want a party, though not that i don't enjoy doing that now and then.
But generally i am being more sociable than i have been in quite sometime, and i am genuinally enjoying it too, which is a little bit of a first for me, and while i have always enjoyed company i have not been one for the night life and the like, but now i feel so much more comforable in my own skin and with who i am, that i don't feel like i need to hide away, and i am ready to let go of some of the inhibions, that have held me back for so long, and i feel that if i can be really happy like this, then the world has know limits to how happy i can be.

Business of Uni life

2007-11-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

I am not doing so well with the whole keeping my blog up to date thing, not hugely surprising considering how much my life has changed in the last few months, I am having trouble keeping myself up to date, let alone keeping everyone else up to date too...hehe
So...What have I been up to, Well surprisingly little to be honest, Have some work i am doing for AIMS now, so at least I am starting to earn money again, which of course, as a student, is in short supply. I have every intention to go round the bars and restaurants and try and find we a part time job in one of those too. I am still not used to being in debt, and to be honest i want to pay of a fair chunk of the money i owe them, cos i can't help but feel bad every time i spend any money on me.
I am really looking forward to going into London this weekend, am FINALLY going to get to meet Jonny. have sort of confirmed it, but need to just make a few arrangements, am also going to go see my aunt, uncle and the beautiful Lola, who started crawling a few days ago, Much to everyones delight, expect Hayde's as she now has to watch her even more closely.
Uni is going really well, we are geting into our mid-term exams and things now, and so far they are going really well, a little nervous about tomorrowz Physics one, on waves. but at least i will get a chance to find out how much a really do know. I actually am starting to feel like i am learning things now, which is a bit of a new concept to me, not happened to me in a great many years...Haha...and i am loving it. Apparently i only need 55% to pass and considering so far i am averaging about 80-90%, so i am thinking that passing isn't really too much of an issue, but it is difficult not to become too relaxed about it all.
I do wish my Physics/electronics lecturer wasn't quite such a bore, it is nothing short of a mircle that i have not fallen asleep in any of her lectures before now, the fact that i wrote most of this blog in one of her lessons just goes to show just how boring she really is.
Went out with the girls on my corridor the other night, such a laugh, had a bit more to drink than i probably should have, but hey isn't that what being a student is all about...Hehe, and besides was so much fun, Hopefully i am going with them to a PJ party next week, should be interesting. I am going to get the photos of the night out from Jess today, so anyone who wants to see pics of my friends and me, making complete fools out of ourselves, just ask...Haha
The temperature has suddenly dropped here the last few days, a little bit later in the year than it normally is, but it is definetlly "take a coat" weather now, and even on the lovely sunny days like today, it is really chilly. I am definetly going to have to invest in some jeans i think, some that actually fit me...Haha.
I am still making a great deal of progress in terms of getting my head sorted, though i am still not where i want to be, i feel like things ar moving in the right direction. I have been talking with my Dad again, his talks always help me see things differentlly.I also got to talk with Drew a bit this weekend, and tho we are both busy busy busy, we are managing to find time to talk to each other which is so nice,.I do really miss him, and i can't wait to see him, but more than that, i wish i could really give him a hug, or just curl up with him, Life does seem to be doing its very best to make his life as difficult as possible, I am glad him and THeresa are getting on so well at the moment, she doesn't seem to drag more crap into his life like everyone else around him, and he nearly always seems better when they have been able to talk.
I had Photos printed for my room as well, which does make it feel a bit more like i have the people i love around me. I have pictures around my mirror of my brothers, my parents, my gran and grandad, Me and Lola, my school friends and of course, me and Drew, i kinda need some pics of my friends here, but guess I will have to work on that one...Hehe, i also have pics of the DOm rep, and Egypt, my two favourite countries, plus just some great moments in my life...
But anyways i will hasve to leave that there, as i am about to be late for Electronics...and we are getting assisgnments back...wish me luck...Tehehe

True love and Drunken nights

2007-11-04T14:06:00.000-08:00

First of all i want to appologise for writting this while Tipsy. But well it might be a laugh anyways...Tehehe...
Had a really good time talking to Drew Yesterday. and today as well, it just makes me reaslise how much i am still in love with this guy, i really would give almost anything for us to be able to be together again, And it breaks my heart just knowing it simply isn't possible at the moment, and i can see it hurting him too; I feel bad, as if he doesn't have enough crap going on his life at the moment, he has me to worry about on top of it all, but i just hope i can be as supporting to him as i try to be, and as much as he diserves, cos i really would give up the world to stop his pain.
A large part of me wishes he could be here, meeting the wonderful people i am meeting and having the great fun i am having, cos i am loving life here, with its randomness and general love of life, cos everyone just seems so much more alive here than people I have met anywhere else, And it is so what i need right now.
I will leave this on a note of how much i would recomend Uni to anyone, no matter how shy or scared you are, You will have a great time, and don't let it bother you, And just be yourself, and there are sooooo many people here you WILL find people you get along with, be it 500 people or 5....just believe in yourself. That is all it takes...

My Dad said to me....

2007-10-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

" Another way of looking at it - you have gorged yourself with a range of experiences in the last year or so (some good, some bad) and you effectively have a large stack sat in your mental in-tray waiting to be assimilated properly into your inner self. You could regard some of your "issues" as being akin to mental indigestion..
If you keep your brain ticking over getting your head around the maths, physics and electronics, you will find in a few months time that some of that backlog will have been integrated back into you and won't feel so raw
It's a slightly wierd way of thinking about what is going on - in effect you keep your mind and body busy but not stressed on useful stuff, and the other stuff will slowly slot into its natural place, sort of as a side-effect, sort-of by accident."

My father said this to me today, and it just seemed to make sense....Was one of the greatest things people have said to me in a long time.

uni, migranes, panic attacks and life

2007-10-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well lets start with the good things, cos on the whole life is great....I am happy, i have several good friends on my corridor, and i feel strangely free at the moment, like for the first time...Well ever...my life REALLY is my own, and i am not going to do anything i don't want to, and more than that, i am not going to feel bad about it. And on top of all that, I am top of my class in maths, and not far off in either Electronics of Physics, and i am enjoying the work, I actually feel like not only I can complete this uni course, i WANT to finish this Uni course.

I had a kinda bad end to last week, was suffering from migranes, which is not something i have had before, and something i definetly hope never to have to go through ever again (i should be so lucky), but it triggered a panic attack, i think it scared my Mum more than usual, i think largely because it has been so many years since I have really had one, I managed to calm myself down after about an hour or so, But of course i had made my migrane worse, and i was really tired, so i spent the best part of the next two days sleeping. managed to get to Friday mornings lectures, but got my parents to pick me up that night. and i spent the weekend recovering.

Come monday i was feeling a whole lot better, I had internet up and working in my room here in Reading, and my computer is fast and doesn't run out of battery...hehe.. So life was going well again; until lunch.
I still can't think what happened, but i freaked out, I was in my room on my own, I couldn't stop crying, I dont' even remember what was going through my head, but when it was over i was running really late for Physics, my Head was spinning, i should have just stayed in my room, E-mailed her, but i didn't, I forced myself out the door, There was no way i was going to let some stupid panic attack ruin uni for me. I arrived in Physics an hour late, but i was there, I was listening, I would leave the class knowing what they had be learning in that session, and i could teach myself, I would manage to keep up....
..."you should just scream"....
..."you will feel much better"...
..."They are all watching you, they want to know what is wrong with you"...
..."they don't know what it is like to feel like your head will explode"...
I was actually writting messages to myself, but it was keeping me quiet, Better on paper than out loud i figured.
Jo walks over.....She tries to see what i am writting....I don't want her to see these messages to myself. i screw it up and stuff it into my bag, I am shaking, I have to be doing something, or i will loose it.
"you think you are clever passing notes, i can't believe how childish you are being"...
I grab my stuff, i practically throw it into my bag,
"thats it" i exclaim " I'm Leaving"
i am half way out the classroom by this time, she doesn't even try to stop me, she doesn't understand, how could she, i never explained.
I am holding it all in, I really am about to explode, i practically run to the physics building, I need to talk to someone, Ben Cosh, (maths lecturer, head of foundation year, and all round good guy), I trust him, he will listen, he will understand....I hope.
I get to his office, Empty, ...Bugger..... Next door is Mark (a Physics lecturer, again a nice guy)...I ask...trying to smile, i nearly cry at the effort at having to speak.
"Any idea where Ben might be".....
"Erm.....not sure, you could try his office in the maths building, First floor Room 11"
I can't even manage to say thanks, with a smile and a nod i rush off...he does look concerned but i don't feel I can talk to him.
Ben's office, Empty, ...Bugger...again... I guess he is teaching, who else to talk to, I need to talk, I need to Cry, my eyes are already leaking, I am going to have a full panic attack in the middle of the uni grounds if i am not careful.....
SUE.....Sue Walmsley, my Tutor, She has to be in her office, I am more or less praying, I practically run there, or walk very quickly at least. She is there, She takes one look at me, i tried to say "can we talk"....but i only get as far as "can...." when she says of course and i burst into tears, I cry for nearly 10 mins straight, before i can explain what happened. And when I do explain she tells me to go back to my room, and just relax, that she will sort it, Explain it to Jo.
I follow her advice, go back to my room, rant at Drew for 5 mins...(poor guy, he always seems to get that, but he is the only one who really listens to me)...and spend the evening, watching the 4400, and playing on my PC. I am still a little wound up, but manage to relax more and more as the evening goes on, and by the time i fall asleep i am happy as can be...Tehehe...
Sue was good to hear word, She spoke to Jo, and i got an appology, and i appologised in return, it was a bad case of lack of communication but now we both know better, and we can deal with it better in future, or that is the plan anyways.
but today, was good, i got my work done, all my homeworks and everything, picked up my Physics homework from last week, got 84% which i am very pleased with as 55% is a pass....hehe
finished another Electronics lab session feel i did much better work this week, and considering i got 60% last week, that is a very good thing. My lab partner seemed to realise that these lab sessions aren't a complete Doss, so at least he actually did some work today too, Which did help with everything, I think it damaged his ego a bit, that last week i got 10% more than him, and i haven't done any of this stuff before, and he is re-doing it...hehe...Was quite funny really.

And here i am now, just had a really rubbish dinner, and trying to decide if i feel like going out tonight, I am not making a decision just yet, but i will have to decide soon, need to let the girls know, But i am not really a clubbing sort of person, and i definetly need to be in Ben's maths lecture tomorrow at 11, which is do able if i go out, but i just don't know, guess time will tell.
This brings me round full circle to my first point about how, for once i am not living for someone else; a boyfriend, some people i want to fit in with, my parents, my brothers, some guy or girl i like; I actually feel in control, and it is the most amazing thing.

Is a shame being able to make the choices doesn't make, making the choices any easier....but i am figure i am, half way there.

Into Halls

2007-10-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

Has been a few days at least since i last posted an update, and well i have been really busy and lots has happened.
Started uni lectures, it is really fun on the whole actually, tho we haven't exactly done lots yet, more introductions, and working through some basics. Maths is increably easy, which is really nice, it is more reminders for me than anything else. so is still usful to be going through it...:)
Physics, I remember more than i thought i would and though i am having some difficultly remembering what units are used to Express what, I am making quick Progress, and wonderfully i feel like i am finally learning something.
Electronics, bits of this i am finding a little scarey, but nothing too bad, considering i have never done it before, having really got the hang of the Maths, and doing okay in the Physics is definetly making this Easier.
Haven't really met a lot of people yet, but i really haven't been feeling up to it as i have Developed a really horrible cold, but have spoken to quite a few people on my course, I often Sit with Siobhan and Matt, And i speak to Jill, Keri (sp?...No idea how he spells his name..Hehe) and the other Matt fairly Regularly, and it is easier now we have spoken a few times.
I have never been very good with the Social side of things, but i moved into halls last night, and well i am going to have to make a real effort to Speak to the other girls on my corridor, I think once i have finished sorting my room, I will leave the door to the corridor open more, And i will make a name tag to go on my Door, so people know what to call me at least...hehe.
But generally things are pretty good, I am about to travel over to Woking to see my pobation officer, so i need to ask if i can transfer that to Reading now i am living here...Hehe
Need to get me a Rug for this Floor tho...:s it is HORRIBLE...haha

Devon

2007-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

We were planning to leave to head down to devon at about 6pm on friday night, but my family, well being my family i guess, we didn't actually leave till more like 9/10pm, though i can't be exactly sure as i got bored of looking at the clock by then. Anyways, we arrived at my grandparents house at about midnight, just in time for max and Mum to run in and wish my grandmother Happy Birthday; we had a bottle of bubbly and some chocolates to celebrate, and went off to bed, I was really tired so didn't get up till like noon , and spent the afternoon not doing much, we went over to the farm where all our organic veg and fruit is grown, and spent like an hour walking around there which was really nice, not least cos it was beautiful weather, perfect for walking.
We also bought some more memory for gran and grandads computer, which means it is actually usable at the moment, which it hasn't been for a long time. Though it turns out there printer is actuallyu broken, but we have a spare one so no worries really...Hehehe... mind you, i might see if i can get my Dad to let me have the spare one for in Halls...Hehe, might just be easier to use the university computers to print stuff out...
Had a nice family dinner, which made a nice change, we never seem to sit down and eat together, though as always gran and mum ended up getting through a fair bit of wine and were very giggly, which was highly amusing...Hehe.
Spent the evening doing word puzzles and drinking wine which was fun, i never seem to get to do that any more, and i will probably get to do it less and less as i start uni tomorrow...
So today we went to the local Pub for lunch, which was actually really nice, as it has been much nicer since it has been under new managment, not to mention the food was of a very high standard... :)
And now i am hiding in the study avoiding helping packing the car by listening to my MP3 player, so i can't hear when people are calling me....haha, and by writting this...hehe
I knew there was a reason i started writting a blog....;-)
Also my Dad has agreed to buy me the new CPU i need to repair the Desktop Ian gave me, so i may have 2 computers as off just over a weeks time, assuming i will have time to do this with all the uni work i am going to have, And talking about Uni i need to find me a pencil case and pens and such things so that i actually have something thing to do work with cos at the moment, i have just a school bag a book for maths and a calculator...Hehe, I think i might just get some pads of paper and some folders to put Physics and Enginnering stuff in. but i will figure that all out this evening i guess...Hehe...
Anyways, i better go actually give my Stuff to my Dad to put in the car, and let my grandad have his computer back. So until i have more to say...;-)

"Mature" Students

2007-10-05T04:27:00.000-07:00

Went into Uni today, for a mature Students study workshop, I have to admit i went more for a chance to meet other mature students (21 or older) but i actually had a really good time, we were just having a real laugh and a good time, and everyone was really excited about the courses they are doing, which is so re-freshing. I mean lots of them were middle aged ladies, a few guys in there 30s and about 3 of us in our 20s.
Really looking forward to lectures next week now, and meeting new people...hehehe
And to think i nearly missed today, Was up so late last night, i slept till about noon today...hehehe, so got to the uni at like 1:55pm, But lots of people were much later than me, so it hardly mattered...
going to Devon tonight to surprise my grandmother for her birthday today...hehehe, She probably thinks we have forgotten her...Haha....so will probably be leaving in a few hours....
and i will be back tomorrow night probably
hehe

Feel the Fear and do it anyways

2007-10-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a very strange few days, I went into Uni yesterday, got my timetable, and diary and such things, and today i have been doing some "homework" making sure i am ready for the course next week. But it does kinda feel like school at the moment, Hehe, I am sure i won't be thinking that once lectures get going...hehe.
And me and Drew spent Yesterday playing Scrabble, Which was really nice, we haven't done that in long time, and i hope we will be able to maybe play again this evening if he isn't too busy at work. hehe.
but life is okay, it finally feels like it is going somewhere, And i feel free, I mean truely Free like i could do anything i like, And it wouldn't matter to anyone but me. And more than that, i feel like the people i treasure who are all around me, would support me in what ever it is that i want to do. And it is a long time since i have truely felt that.
I have handed in my forms to try and get a room in Halls, So hopefully it will only be a few weeks before i am moving again. hehe, I am getting kind of used to it now, I moved all my stuff into Haddons room today, as he isn't using it at the moment, and i don't really have a room at all...hehehe...
but i don't feel Scared....Well not very anyways, And you know what.....I am going to do it anyways....;-)

Emmit Remus

2007-10-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

The California animal is a bear
Angeleno but the devil may care
Summer time to talk and swear
Later maybe we could share some air
I'll take you to the movies there
We could walk through Leicester Square
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man

London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right

Hesitate but don't refuse
The choice was yours but you said choose
The look she used was green and sharp
Stabbed that boy all in his heart
Come what may the cosmos will
Take me up and down on Primrose Hill
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man

London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right

Cuss me out and it'll feel all right
It's all right now
Call me now use the satellite
It's all right
It's all right

Down and out and it'll sound all right
It's all right now
It's all right

The California flower is poppy child
Felony sends me all the gold in your smile
Drift away from anyone you can
Nothing ever goes according to plan
Though I know that every river bends
Time to say hello to snow on the Thames
What could be wetter than
An English girl American man

London in the summer time
Call me now use the satellite
London in the summer time
Cuss me out and it'll feel all right

Be happy, be single

2007-10-01T15:38:00.001-07:00

This is my new aim, And i am not very good at it from past experience, But after reading Drew's blog entry today i realised, i am so focused on other people, And being happy with them, i have no idea how to be Happy on my own, So I have decided i am going to learn to do that.
I started this by Breaking up with Ben, I said that i still wanted us to be friends, and we could watch movies together, and go for Drinks and what not, and he took it better than i thought but I am not sure it sunk in, and i think he was putting on a brave face.
But i stupidly didn't tell Drew i was going out, So for the 2 hours i was out he was thinking i was ignoring him, and now i wish there was something i could say or do to make it up to him, but i just can't think of anything. And i just keep saying how sorry i am, Which is probably making everything worse, and now i just want to wind back time and fix it.

Phone calls and F**ked up claims

2007-10-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

So i seem to be spending all day on the Phone at the moment, which is REALLY starting to Piss me off, something rotten. I have been trying to get hold of my Probation officer for about 4 hours now, to rearrange my appointment tomorrow, as it clashes with a meeting with my Tutor at University.
Have left like 3 messages, but he STILL hasn't got back to me.
And as if that wasn't winding me up enough as it is, I got a phone call from the Jobcentre, they are FINALLY going to process my Incapacity claim which was from Back at the Beginning of August...So i am all cross about that having taken this long, only to find out i have been denied a months worth of JSA backdated claim which i wouldn't have even had to backdated if they hadn't messed up my paperwork in the first place. So i have been phoning one place after another trying to get this sorted out, and i have just been given another number, so we are yet to see what will happen when i call this one, but i am betting i will get "oh you need to call ......., they will be able to help you"....*rolls eyes*.....
This is getting very Tedious.....

*edit*, Just managed to get through on the Phones, BUT THEIR COMPUTERS ARE ALL DOWN!!!, so they will call me back tomorrow. Oh to have a benifits system that works....Hehe....As if....

Cyclothymia

2007-10-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

I finally have a diagnosis of what is wrong with me, it is Cyclothymia. Never heard of it...? Well nor had I, but not surprising considering it isn't usual diagnosed nor very well known, and is frequently mis diagnosed as Bi-polar disorder.
It is a mild version of Bi-polar Disorder, so my original diagnosis wasn't too far out, but it is what causes my episodes of Depression and Elation, but as my episodes aren't bad enough to stop me functioning it is Cyclothymia, not bi-polar.
Sadly there isn't really much known about it, and no known treatment, so all i can do, is learn to know myself, stick with the anti-depressants (to try and minimalise the depressive episodes), create coping mechanisms, and teach those closest to me about my condition so they can support me, and spot when i am falling into an episode.
So we will see, i can't see this diagnosis actually changing my life in anyway at all, but it is nice to have an understanding, it has been 8 years in the making.
So heres to being a nut case *raises glass*..... ;-)

Broken DVDs, Weight and Friends on Weed

2007-09-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

My Parents have a DVD hire thing set up with Amazon, and we got "kung-fu Hustle" through the post the other day, and knowing what a great film it was the whole family sat down to watch it on Friday night , and we put it in, 'Disk Error'....Uh oh...
We take the Disk out, and i have to laugh, How on earth Dad didn't manage to spot it Before he put it in the player i have no idea, But the DVD is practically in two pieces, A huge crack right across the middle. So anyways we decided to watch "Roxanne"(if you don't know this film, then go watch it, very very funny)...And we were all nearly wetting ourselves laughing, and well i had had the first alcohol i had had in about 2 weeks, an it had gone straight to my head....hehe.
This alcohol consumption however did mean i failed to loose anyweight on Friday.., which is a real shame as i have managed to loose 9lbs in the last 7 days with out too much trouble and without starving myself, Which i am nothing short of delighted about.
I am aiming to be 175lbs by Christmas, which means i still have about 15lbs to loose, but that is like 12 weeks away...Hehe.
And to be honest my real aim is to be 165lbs, or less, by the time Drew sees me again, I mean that is real motivation, i would love nothing more for him to see me again, and be like "Wow"....hehe.
Anyways, I digress....hehe. Went over to Pete and Stephy's house last night, with Ben, Ric was already there, And somehow he had managed to "Aquire" some weed, which he and Pete had already been smoking for about an hour by the time we got there...Hehe. Was really funny, Particually Ric, as he is only a little guy and it really seemed to hit him, he kept Freaking himself out, Convincing himself the Police were going to come and Raid the flat, and then when me and Ric went to Pick up Stephy in my car, He was giving me directions in german, In a scotish accent, Was so funny, i was having trouble driving....hehe
so we went back to the flat again, and me and Stephy were the only ones Sober, and not stoned...and were just laughing at the three guys. We decided to watch Shaun of the Dead, Which apparently is even funnier when you are stoned....Or so i guessd from the fact that Ric couldn't stop laughing.
We had a Macdonalds as the guys wanted it...And were going on and on...and stayed at the flat till about 1am. By which time they were all crashing, and well me and Stephy decided to get the boys to bed, before they decided they needed to start smoking again...hehe
But all in all a very amusing night, just wish i had had the video camera with me....;-)

Paint and Cleaning

2007-09-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Spent a large part of Today painting again, Seems to be all i am doing at the moment. but the cleaner came today, so we had her Clean the room i have been decorating, and started moving Toby's stuff back into his room, I might finally be able to move my stuff into Haddons room in a day or too, seeing as he is in scotland till Christmas.
My Mum is painting the edging in the room at the moment, then i just have a second coat of paint to put on one and a bit walls and then it is DONE!!!....Wooo....
Hehehe it does look awesome, so might even have it finished tonight.
other than that a very quiet day, I have been really tired all day, my parents woke me up really early. might have an early night, well we will see..

Ranting!

2007-09-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

Well sometimes i just don't remember why i even bother, My Mum obviously woke up on the wrong side of bed AGAIN!, Always seems to be the way, So i get woken up at like 7:30 by her screaming at Max over the stupidest things, he is Upset and getting less and less likely to co-operate by the minute, Dad is getting Irritated, because he doesn't know how to deal with these situations, Toby is just trying to get ready for school, and leave on time, but keeps getting got at for no reason, and all i want is for her to shut the f**k up and let me actually get a few hours sleep, but no, her majesty isn't having a perfect day so lets make everyone elses life hell.
I knew then this was going to be a really sh*tty day.
So having been woken up by her ranting and crying, i decide there is no point trying to sleep, so at 8am, very annoyed and very tired, but desperatly wanting to make today easier for everyone, i get up.
I go downstairs, Put the laundry on, and try to keep out of everyones way, till the boys have gone to school, So Mum and Dad go into the study to work, which means Dad works while Mum "Works" meaning answering E-mails. *rolls eyes* Don't know why he puts up with it, I guess she must do some work occasionally.
but while they are in the Study working, I hang out the laundry Empty the Dishwasher, Reconstruct Toby's Desk, move his Furniture back, Put up most of his Shelves, Reload the Diskwasher, and move the Drill, tools and Workmate up to Toby's room, So my Dad can easily sort the bits i can't.
So they Eventually go up and look at what needs doing in Toby's room about an hour later, and all Mum says is "we need the Drawer of Drill bits".
So off i go to go and get it, go into the garage quickly, grab the Drawer and "WHY THE HELL IS THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN". Great Mother has found another thing to blame on me.....S**T.
I was in there LESS THAN 30 SECONDS. and it is ME who has been complaining about the cold and it being left open for HOURS for like the last week, and so i finally loose it, and she starts throwing Plastic containers at me, Which is like the final straw. " DON'T F**KING THROW THINGS AT ME", I storm upstairs and throw the box of Drill bits all over Toby's bedroom floor and go to find me some Breakfast, and she comes into the Kitchen, Crying,
Great now she is going to want me to say i am sorry
I'm not sorry tho, So i say "well you did really over react about....well....Everything, this morning, and all i have had in the way of communication so far is 'get the Drill bits' and 'don't leave the garage door open' dispite the fact i have tried REALLY hard this morning"
"oh thats not fair" she claims,
Yeah well life isn't, and i only stated the truth, now we will have hours where we don't talk and then we will go back to how it always is....Great....*rolls eyes*

"Get it sorted" day

2007-09-27T01:14:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday i kinda decided i needed to get some things sorted, and had an actually very productive day. Woke up late, having been up talking with Drew and Friends till 6am (which was a great laugh), and drove into Earley to go see Mr Charles Kenderdine, a mental health Consultant, for the University. Really nice guy, and most amazingly, he actually seemed to know what he was talking about, Which made a really nice change. We talked for over an hour, and decided I didn't really need any help at the moment, but that i would arrange to meet him sometime in November, to update him on how i am coping.
While i was up at the University, i also decided to had in my final form, accepting my place officially, so UCAS and Reading both know i am definetly going now, so feeling pretty good about that. I also got some details about all the halls available at Reading; there are no spaces at the moment, but people are bound to drop out in the first couple of months, so i will fill out the forms and cross my fingers and hope for a space to come up.
Went to see Ben when in Reading as he was working there today, Was FREEZING cold, and i hadn't a coat with me, So was really nice being able to steal his for that 30 mins. Had some lunch and left him to his work again, and came home.
I finished off the little bit of painting i needed to do before the Bed could go back in Toby's room, and then....put the bed back, It really does look so much better now, and this morning i have put the Desk, Chest of Drawers and shelves back as well. I think we are going to take the Radiator off in a short while, to get behind there sorted, and once that is done that literally leaves one end wall, which is the Easiest of all the walls once we take the shelves down...Hehe
was kinda really tired by the evening so spent the time watching "Dexter" which is now definetly in my top 10 TV shows ever. I LURVED it...hehe...
Well i probably have another busy busy day ahead of me, as i have like 3 more days until Freshers week starts, i have a million things to do, and like Very little time to do it in, so busy busy busy for me...

New friends, old friends, and matters of the heart.

2007-09-25T04:49:00.001-07:00

Had a strange day yesterday, one of the those days where it feels like you have a achieved nothing.
Woke up quite late, and had to go see my probation officer, Was only there for like 15 mins, but while waiting for my probation officer to come see me, this guy starts hitting on me, I have to force myself not to laugh, this guy was like...well....Lets just say..." Eurgh"....Hehe
So at last Andy (my probation officer turns up) i practically jump out my seat i am so keen to get away from this weirdo....Hehe.
Went into my bank again and they still haven't sorted my money, well why would they have, I only reported the fraud on my account THREE months ago....*sighs*, but they say it will be done by next week for sure...*fingers crossed*
So i come home, and i actually spend most of the afternoon talking with Drew and Mandie (Drew's best friend's fiance*waves at Mandie*)
Was really good actually, me and Mandie get on like a house on fire, hehe, Which is always fun...;-),
And well i always love talking to Drew, we were both kinda tired yesterday so both really quite quiet, Kind of feels like we are just waiting at the moment, For me to break up with Ben, for Drew to be able to afford to come visit (or to find out if he will be able to), to get to speak in person, just waiting at the moment.
Watched "rope" by Alfred Hitchcock....Interesting watch worth seeing, but i warn you is very strange, and not scarey.
and then Ben came online. I had been thinking about it all day, Well actually for a couple of Days, I wasn't really sure what i was going to say, And i hadn't really planned to talk about it online, In person would have been better really. but anyways, I decided on the truth, Or at least most of it. And i told Ben i am still in love with Drew, and that he still loves me, and that that will probably never change. I don't think Ben knew what to say, nor really took in what i had said, but he just seemed scared of loosing me, but i agreed not to break up with him just yet. I guess i am kinda hoping we can just change our relationship to just friends, but that so rarely works, but just can't see us lasting another month, and i think he is hoping i will fall in love with him, (wishful thinking on his behalf i am afraid).
And then there is the old friends, Heard from several of them last night, First of all Sheryl, she txt me about having to go to the doctor about her weight, I hate us not seeing each other like this, i miss her so much, and i worry about her everyday.
And Nat, Who got home from a night out drinking in Exeter, hehehe, and we just had a nice chat online, before she went to Bed, Apparently she was filling out some important forms, So will be interesting to hear how well she actually managed...Hehe
Due to the fact that i did practically nothing yesterday, I now have a mountain of things to do today, starting with Painting, So I am off to go do some of that now....should be fun.

Council taxes and getting my way

2007-09-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

I received a letter from the council a few weeks back, informing me that i owed them about £700 in council tax, for a property that i was living in earlier this year. I was surprised to say the least, not to even get started on how angry i was. So i had phoned them, and told them i had only been living there 3 months (they said i was living there for 6), and that they should also chase Adam for the money, as he was on the contract too, and hadn't paid a penny in rent.
So anyways, this morning i received a second letter, telling me they had adjusted for me only living there 3 months but i still owed them £310.10, including court bills....
...Wait a minute....Court Bills....This should never have gone to court, i didn't even know i owed money.
So on the phone i go. Call them up, and ask why it went to court, Well apparently they sent letters to the flat AFTER we had moved out, Well not exactly my fault I didn't get them then really i tell them. And the lady eventually agrees, So says I still owe £247.
Granted this is a lot better than the £700 we started with, But i am not giving up there....
I ask why they have been unable to locate Adam, as i gave them his mothers details, and she has been to Visit him, so definetly knows where he lives.

The lady still seemed unconvinced, so time to pull out all the stops...
*turn on water works*...
"look it has been a really crap 6 months"....
I explain that Adam didn't pay a single penny when we were living there, and that they should get him to pay at least half of it.
And to my surprise the lady Agrees,
"so you will pay half then?" she asks me.
I tell her i will pay my half once they have got the other half out of him.
"tell you what..." she says. "let us try and get the whole lot out of him, and then if we still can't get the money then you can pay your half"
I am nearly dancing by this point, finally he is getting his comeuppance, but have to stay "Distressed"...
I finish off the conversation in true dramatic style.
"I am so sorry, i didn't mean to be so pushy, i have just had enough of him dumping all this crap on me *sniffle*. thank you for all your help *sniff sniff* "
I hang up, Dry my eyes, and shout
"I DID IT!"
and for once, Adam is going to get what he diserves, to pay for what is owed for once in his life.
And once again i can't help but be thankful he is out of my life.

Lola

2007-09-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well for anyone who doesn't know, Lola is my baby cousin, She is the prettiest little girl in the world, 9 months old, and laughs at almost anything.
Anyways, i went with my Uncle and Aunt (lola's mum and Dad) to Somerset this weekend, so that i could babysit her for them while they when to a mini festival, It was the first time she had been left at night, so was a really big deal for all involved...and as predicted, Lola was not impressed at being left, and Screamed at me for about an hour and a half, before becoming so tired that she couldn't keep her little eyes open any longer. but on top of all this she seems to have got a bit of a chest infection, (poor lass) so was coughing lots, and didn't want to lie down, So this meant i spent all night with her asleep in my arms leaning on my shoulder. But after we spent that evening together she really took to me, and i then spent most of the next day with her too...hehe, And we had a great time playing with all her toys, and my phone which she thought was very tasty, and i realised she had managed to get dribble inside it...*rolls eyes*. but anyways, had a really wonderful time and will definetly be babysitting for her again, as i miss her already.
I have pictures of the two of us if anyone wants to see, just ask...hehe
Ended up going to Ben's last night as he really missed me, Haha, watch some movies, And i slept LOADS last night, as Lola had kept me awake all Friday night...hehe.
Went to the Pub for a bit today and watched the fast and the Furious, but on the whole a quiet day, and a nice end to a great weekend...

Crashes, Green Knees, and Opera

2007-09-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

Well this is a promising start, I actually remembered to come back and post again.
The Title of this post is referring to things that all happened today, but none are actually that great nor, interesting, so i will keep this breif, so as not to put you to sleep.
Will start at the end and the most recent, With Opera, Which was being really mean to me, and i cannot get it to let me log into this shiney new blog of mine, so having to revert to mozilla, hoping i will figure it out sometime.
Spent most of the morning painting my little brothers room, Which i started decorating back when it was still my room, but as i never finished it, well i am the one getting the pale green paint which is supposed to be on the walls, all over my knees....hehe
As both Toby and Max had an inset days at school today, and so were both at home bothering our parents, decided we would go watch the transformers movie, Only when we tried to go watch it, there was a nasty crash on one of the main routes we were taking, and had to take a big detour, and that isn't even starting on the terrible traffic, but anyways, we didn't get to the cinema till 40 mins after the film had started, so decided to watch the wonderfully british film, "Run Fatboy, Run", starting the wonderful Simon Pegg, whos movies are all must sees....hehe, and the drop dead Gorgeous Thandie Newton.
And then i have spent this evening, listening to KT Tunstall and Lily Allen, watching CSI and talking to AM. so a good evening...

A beginninng??

2007-09-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

My life, and what an interesting adventure it has turned out to be so far, Much more so than i ever would have predicted.
And so i figured i should keep a note of it, and taking Lead from Drew (you know who you are), i decided what better place than a blog.
I have reached a point in my life where i want to move on, not forget, but at least not dwell on the last year, So i will mearly Summerise for Clarity.

Sept 06, broke up with James, out of need for affection, Found Adam
Oct 06, moved in with Adam, after fight with Family.
Dec 06, very depressed, started stealing from work,
Jan-April 07, became even more depressed, started hating myself
May07, Got arrested, Stopped Stealing, lost job, Moved to Scotland.
June 07, realised what a mess i had made of everything and was rescued by family.

So now i have summed up all the shit of the last year, I can tell you about the good things, how I got to where i am now.

I got myself a great GP and managed to get myself onto some Meds for my depression, and started to remember i wasn't the usless, ugly bitch, AJ had spent the last 9months telling me i was.
I haven't had a single Episode since i went on these new meds, So i am hopeful that i can live the life i always wanted with out the Constant fear of becoming Madame Super-Bitch again.
I decided to go to Uni, I am going to study Electronical Enginneering, Something completely Different for me, Had to really fight my way onto the course, But i did it, and i can't wait, So excited. It is truely a fresh start for me. A chance to set a real Career in motion, So that i can put the mistakes i made in the past, and focus on the future.
I have a really sweet new boyfriend, Ben who has done wonders for my Ego, it is swelling by the day, and for the first time in many years, I am just having fun, enjoying my life. I am starting to feel like the person i used to be, the confident me, that i loved so dearly, and the me that Drew fell in love with all those years ago now,

And then i could start on Drew and me, well that is a whole mountain of emotions, and complications, But through all the mess, there is this glowing light which makes my heart float.

But most important of all, I have realised one thing, how important my emotions are, how much my happiness is really worth, And that i should remember to live MY life, and not contort myself to fit everyone elses ideals. And for that i would like to thank my family for their faith in me; Ben for seeing me for who i really am; and most of all Drew, for loving me, trusting me, and being there for me, always, even when I had done nothing to diserve it.